Category: Reviews

Hellraiser: Deader (2005)

Directed by Rick Bota [Other horror films: Hellraiser: Hellseeker (2002), Hellraiser: Hellworld (2005)]

It’s been quite some time since I’ve last seen this sequel – anywhere from ten to 18 years, I’d guess – and after watching it with fresh eyes, well, I can say that it’s not that good at all, in my view.

Both Inferno and Hellseeker brought the series into a more psychological realm, and while the execution of such a tonal shift is certainly debatable, the very fact that they changed things up doesn’t need to be a negative. However, in the case of Hellseeker, and certainly in the case of this movie, things just don’t work out.

My main issues with Deader is largely the same issues I had with Hellseeker – it’s an absolute narrative mess. In the second half of the film, I have almost zero idea of what’s actually going on. See, when the main character (Kari Wuhrer) accidentally “opens” the Lament Configuration, not to mention having a run-in with Deaders (I’ll touch on them in a bit), she starts having a bunch of things that may or may not be visions.

First she’s struggling to get through a thin walkway, which I’m inclined to think wasn’t really happening. She gets stabbed, but wakes up in her hotel room. She’s still stabbed, but alive – perhaps the ritual that seemed like a dream in which she was killed but still lives – and then runs into Pinhead on a train. After that, she wakes up in a mental institute, but that’s definitely not real, because she shortly thereafter goes into her past to face her demons and then appears back on the table she was on in that dream that wasn’t a dream and then Pinhead.

I have no idea what Wuhrer’s character actually encounters past a certain point in the movie. Zero. There’s a cult of people who intentionally kill themselves, because the leader can bring them back to life – I don’t know why they’d bother joining, as it doesn’t seem to me being a member of this group comes with any perks – and it was sort of interesting seeing the conflict between the cult leader and Pinhead (because as the cult leader brings them back from the dead, he ‘steals’ them from Pinhead) – but again, the execution sucked hard.

Kari Wuhrer (Eight Legged Freaks, The Hitcher II: I’ve Been Waiting, Final Examination) didn’t really impress me much, but I really think it’s more the story that frustrated me as opposed to her performance. Simon Kunz (The Bunker, Eight for Silver) was quite a bit of fun during his few scenes. Paul Rhys’ character should have had more depth, but it’s always a pleasure seeing Doug Bradley, of course.

The issue here is that the story strikes me as a mess. I don’t entirely understand the goals of Rhys’ character. I don’t understand Pinhead’s goals. There’s another character here who seems to want to destroy Rhys’ character, but she goes about it in such a vague way. It’s just not an easy story to follow, given the narrative structure, and it’s just not that pleasurable either. Trippy at times, sure, but not pleasurable.

Of the first seven Hellraiser movies, I do think this is the worst one. Both Bloodline and Hellseeker had some problems, but this one was just a mess. Sure, it has some quality hook action at time (though at other times, the effects look quite poor), and Bradley’s Pinhead is always fun to see, but overall, this is a rather poor entry, which is disappointing given the somewhat interesting ideas we’re presented with.

4.5/10

Girlhouse (2014)

Directed by Jon Knautz [Other horror films: Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer (2007), The Shrine (2010), Goddess of Love (2015), The Cleaning Lady (2018)] & Trevor Matthews [Other horror films: N/A]

I’m not sure that Girlhouse really distinguishes itself that well from many other modern-day slashers, but I do think that this film has an okay amount going for it. Certainly if you’re a fan of slashers, and want something with a modern twist, I would say that this is worth checking out.

The plot isn’t exactly unheard of – a young woman in college moves into a house that streams onto the internet, so naturally, it catches plenty of carnal moments. Her character’s doing this for the money – her father recently died, and she wants to help out her mother, and if you’re an attractive young woman, what better way to make money than bare your flesh?

Honestly, while it’s probably not an intended point of the film, the movie does make me think about the pornography industry. I don’t have a problem with those who take that route to make coin – if you’re a sex worker in any capacity (OnlyFans, a prostitute, a call-girl, a sex phone line worker, etc.), then I only hope that you make what you deserve to make, that you’re safe, and, if you no longer want to work in the industry, you can safely get out.

Generally, I think it’s fair to say I’m sex-positive, and while I don’t exactly know where this movie’s message was coming from, I can say I wasn’t wild with the opening quote of the film, which seemed to present a correlation between pornography and violent crimes. As someone who does consume pornography, I just don’t think that’s fair. In fact, it reminds me of how some seem to correlate horror films and violence – I never bought into that one either.

There’s not that many important performances here, but I was going to mention a bunch of names anyway. The lead, Ali Cobrin (American Reunion), does a pretty good job. Honestly, given her role in American Reunion, it’s sort of nice to see her play a more serious character, and it was a solid performance. Adam DiMarco was likable enough, and Wesley MacInnes had some solid moments too.

The rapper Slaine did surprisingly decent as the killer, though it’s also fair to say that his role isn’t that expanded from what you’d expect from a slasher film. On a side-note, Slaine is one of those rappers I feel I should listen to – I enjoy some Ill Bill, Necro, and La Coka Nostra, so it may be worth seeking out, especially if “Can’t Go Home” – which played during the end credits – is a good indication of his music.

Of the six other young women who are in the house (Alice Hunter, Alyson Bath, Nicole Arianna Fox, Chasty Ballesteros, Elysia Rotaru, and Zuleyka Silver), while I feel it’s fair to say none of them got a lot of background, some still did decent. Alice Hunter seemed of good quality, and Alyson Bath (Evil Feed, Broil) seemed to have a slightly deeper character than expected. I don’t think Zuleyka Silver adds much to the film, but Chasty Ballesteros (One of Us, The Night Crew) and Nicole Arianna Fox (Circus Kane) were characters I’d have been interested in seeing more of.

Oh, and one last note on performances – at the beginning of the film, we’re shown an event that happened in the late 80’s that led Sloane’s character into the killer he becomes, and during this scene, we see Camren Bicondova (or Selena, from Gotham). When she first appeared, I knew I knew her face, but it didn’t hit me that it was Bicondova until I rewatched the scene. As it is, she’s only in the film for a handful of minutes, but it was nice seeing her.

The gore here is definitely solid, too. While it’s not a splatter film by any means, there are some grisly and gruesome scenes here – someone has all ten of their fingers hacked off (which as we see, makes it difficult to type), another is locked in a sauna at 200 degrees Fahrenheit – that character actually escapes, but then gets taken out by what looks like a mallet. Someone else gets suffocated with a dildo, which had class to it.

Oh, and someone’s head gets sawed off, so that’s also fun.

Overall, Girlhouse, while perhaps not special, is a pretty fun and well-made movie. Certainly it generally looked nice, and if you’re a slasher fan, I would certainly recommend giving this one a shot, though with the caveat that it may not be an entirely memorable experience.

7/10

The Woman in Black (1989)

Directed by Herbert Wise [Other horror films: N/A]

Many consider The Woman in Black among one of the better television horror films, certainly when it comes to those that aired in the late 1980’s. For it’s specific classic ghost story, period piece niche, I do think The Woman in Black is quite decent. However, I also have to admit that I suspect many modern-day audiences would find it a tad sluggish, and I don’t think that’s without good reason.

Based on a 1983 novel of the same name written by Susan Hill, the plot follows that of a very traditional ghost story – think The Uninvited, with some sprinklings of The Changeling. It’s not a story that possesses much in the way of surprise or anything – it’s just a mildly tragic ghost movie that reminded me at times of films like The Orphanage and Mr. Wrong.

It’s a rather methodical story, too. It’s not bogged down in details or anything, but the movie can be quite slow. There’s what seems to be a two-and-a-half minute scene of a man going around a large house, looking around the rooms, and turning lights on. It just feels quite sluggish at times, and while it can pick up nicely during some well-placed scares, and the finale itself is decently well paced, I do personally think the film could have been trimmed a bit.

Insofar as the scares are concerned, being a more classy ghost movie (not to mention made-for-television), The Woman in Black is more subtle, largely speaking. There’s maybe four scenes that I’d classify as meant to be scary, and only two actually got much of a reaction from me (and to qualify this, I should say that I’ve seen this movie once before, and had vague memory of it, but it’s been so long that much of it felt fresh).

There is a scene in a small cemetery that works quite nicely, though, along with perhaps the most famous sequence in the movie during the main character’s sickness toward the end. It’s a scene I knew was coming, but still came out very effectively. No doubt the movie, to many modern-day audiences, would feel beyond slow, but a case could be made that it’s that fact that makes the spooky scenes stand out all the more.

Oh, and the ending is rather grim, too. Nothing unexpected whatsoever, but grim nonetheless, and I can see why this frightened so many people when it first aired on that cold Christmas Eve so many years ago in the UK.

Adrian Rawlins (2000’s Blood) made for a likable, if moderately forgettable, lead. He was a pleasant-enough character, but I don’t know if there was necessarily a lot to him. Perhaps one of the other few important cast members was Bernard Hepton, who had some solid moments toward the latter half of the film, and John Cater (The Abominable Dr. Phibes) was decent too. Otherwise, though, the cast here didn’t really hold much a candle to the atmosphere.

Even with the atmosphere, though, the movie runs for about an hour and 42 minutes. I fully think some scenes are great, but to get to those scenes, there’s a lot of material that’s not exactly my idea of engaging. Because of that, it’s sort of a hard movie to tackle – I definitely appreciate what it was going for, and I largely think it succeeded, but it still just feels quite sluggish to me, and it’s a hard case for me to make to call this stellar.

All-in-all, I do think The Woman in Black is a good movie. I just can’t personally see myself watching it all that often, as it’s the type of slow-moving period piece that you’d definitely have to be in the mood for.

7/10

Shark Girl (2024)

Directed by Justin Shilton [Other horror films: N/A] & Rob Zazzali [Other horror films: N/A]

I have to be honest: Shark Girl surprised me.

To be very blunt, I wasn’t expecting to care for the movie. I just didn’t think it’d be my type of thing. The production looked good, but I was worried the story would be its downfall, similar to Truth or Double Dare (TODD), which had a solid production, but it has what I feel is a soulless story.

Here, though, while the opening does look a bit on the cheap side, we generally have a pretty solid story, and even when things move a different direction around 47 or so minutes in, they keep things engaging enough to work. Hell, even the finale, with a little bit of sequel bait, was pretty fun, and that’s not something I see done well all that often.

Before carrying on, I do want to state for the record that I watched this upon request. One of the directors contacted me, wondering if I’d be interested in reviewing it. To my embarrassment, for a variety of factors, I didn’t actually see this email until something like a month after it was sent – I mean, you play with the Jiggy, you get the delay. In all seriousness, I felt bad, so I was committed to watching whatever it was, regardless of my personal interest.

Obviously, that’s playing with fire, but luckily, it didn’t matter this time around. Shark Girl surprised me – I honestly didn’t think I’d enjoy it, but I had a lot of fun with this. I thought the tone would be campier, but they kept things mostly played straight, save Alexandra Corin Johnston’s role as a young influencer, Heidi, who, through no fault of her own, gets attacked by a shark and finds herself craving human flesh. A role like that does need a certain amount of ham to it, and I thought Johnston did a great job.

In fact, I found her story quite interesting anyway. Sure, she’s an influencer, but her attitude generally seemed decent (despite Ryan Bertroche’s opinion that she’s toxic, in a line that legit made me laugh), and once she gets these urges, with it comes increased independence – she’s not going to settle for her boyfriend pushing her to the side for other models, or treating her poorly. In fact, in one of my favorite sequences, after a photoshoot goes astray because John Griffin’s character is an utter asshat, Heidi goes after him for berating an intern. That, and what follows, was very much just desserts, in my view.

Had it stopped with Heidi going after only those who were utterly insufferable (to be fair, her first victims, a couple on the beach, don’t fit that bill, but that was before Heidi had any real idea of what was going on), I doubt that many people would care. It’s beyond her control, though, as these urges become stronger, and she finds herself going after those closest to her. Still, there’s a sense of liberation in Alexandra Corin Johnston’s performance, and I appreciated that.

In fact, I’d say most of the central characters here were pretty solid. Alexandra Corin Johnston (Dead List), I’ve talked about at length, and it seems that she had a lot of fun in this role. Ryan Bertroche’s character was an utter tool, but luckily, we’re not forced to spend that much time with him. More interesting are both Sumayyah Ameerah (Confined) and Nick Tag, who I think worked quite well together. Ameerah’s character was important anyway, given the marine biology background (which I want to touch on briefly later), but she was also quite good here overall. Both John Griffin (Deadlock) and Delaney Hogan did well playing utterly insufferable characters, so kudos there.

Lastly, I wanted to mention Brian Guest, who was sporting a Gotham-era Donal Logue attitude. Guest (Infection: The Invasion Begins, Evil Unleashed) doesn’t get a lot of time here to shine, but he’s certainly able to with his brief time on-screen, which I dug.

I was worried about how they’d attempt to tie up the ending. A character winds up dead, and it’s almost set up as though it’s an assassination. I wasn’t sure if they’d be trying to bring in some type of government cover-up angle, or exactly where it was going, but I think they handled it pretty well. Somewhat related, Sumayyah Ameerah’s character has a dream nearing the finale, which sort of clues her into where Tag’s character disappeared to.

Normally, a random dream revealing a piece of the puzzle to a character wouldn’t do it for me, but in this case, I actually thought it made perfect sense. Given her background in marine biology, it makes sense that perhaps her subconscious might relay to her information she knows, but hasn’t been fully able to process into this situation yet. It doesn’t really matter, but the fact that the dream can be explained, and it’s not just some random occurrence, does help things. If it had been another character, like Tag’s, who had this dream, than that would have been a problem.

Oh, and this is also worth mentioning, and it ties partially into why I enjoyed this more than I thought I would. After reading the plot on IMDb, it got in my head that this would be a body-horror type situation – that, over the course of the film, Alexandra Corin Johnston’s character would slowly turn into a shark. I have always had personal issues enjoying body horror elements (how I got through Contracted, I’ll never know), but the movie doesn’t really go that direction, which I appreciated.

Because of that, there’s not necessarily great diversity in the kills, but at the same time, it’s not like people watch a movie like Mississippi River Sharks or Malibu Shark Attack to see some creative deaths, so that’s not really a barometer you should really use. There’s some blood, some chunks of flesh ripped out by bites, but it’s generally pretty tame, and far from the focus of the film.

I’ve said time and time again that I don’t know the details of what goes down when making a movie. I sit here and watch the final product, and can only imagine how difficult the process of filming a movie is, not to mention all the post-production editing that I imagine most movies do. I’m not a behind-the-scenes guy; I watch a movie, and sometimes it works for me, other times it doesn’t.

In Shark Girl’s case, it worked for me, and I really didn’t think it would. It’s a fun movie (without veering anywhere close to becoming too goofy) with decent characters, occasionally some amusing pieces of dialogue, and solid performances overall. It’s a movie I could easily see myself revisiting in the future, and save for that hideous club music that plays throughout, Shark Girl is a movie I think is worth seeing at least once.

7.5/10

The Rage (2007)

Directed by Robert Kurtzman [Other horror films: The Demolitionist (1995), Wishmaster (1997), Buried Alive (2007)]

I’m sure I’ve said this before in recent times, but I feel I’ve grown more cynical in the last couple of months.

I say that because at one point in time, I probably would have given this movie some mild props. To be sure, I still will – some of the special effects were quite solid – but I think that, in the past, I would have been more forgiving. Now, though, I can honestly say I thought that 95% of this film was utter trash.

To be fair, zombie movies have never been my biggest interest. Plenty are quite good, such as 28 Days Later…, Dawn of the Dead, The Return of the Living Dead, and Zombi 2, but it’s never been a subgenre that really turned me on.

That said, I can appreciate plenty of zombie films, but there’s also quite a lot of them that are abysmal, and I think The Rage is a good example of that. Some of this disdain comes from the fact I find the story absolutely terrible, and some comes from how terrible some of the CGI is, but no matter from whence my displeasure arises, I just know it’s there.

I won’t spend too long on the good, naturally. Like I said, some of the special effects are decent. There’s a mangled corpse of a little girl, and I appreciated that they had the guts to show that (as I can imagine plenty of bigger-budget movies wouldn’t have wanted to offend people’s sensibilities). Of course, said girl was mangled by hideous CGI birds, but more on that shortly.

The fact is, about half the special effects here are commendable. It’s very rarely the case, though, that good special effects make up for a failure in every other department. I don’t want to say it’s impossible – I can’t honestly say I’ve never given a movie a decent review solely because of the special effects – but it’s far from common, as I find the plot of a film much more important.

Naturally, that’s where the problem comes from. Elements of the story are interesting – Andrew Divoff’s character has a background that could have lent to a decently fun zombie movie. There’s an element here of trying to destroy the capitalist system of the USA, and as a socialist myself, I love the idea of destroying capitalistic systems. Not only that, but shots are also taken at the pharmaceutical companies and for-profit medical industry, which is all fair (as I 100% believe that, if the cure for cancer was found, those industries would do all that they could to suppress the information).

None of those elements, though, make up for how terrible the story generally is. It’s possible that, if they went in a more solidly comedic route, maybe some of this could have worked. Comedic elements are present during the last thirty minutes (much of it coming from some dwarf character), but it seems that it’s largely played straight with some campy performances (such as Andrew Divoff’s), and I don’t think it does the movie any wonders.

On that note, I don’t think any of the performances were great. Actually, I’d say the best performance in the film was Reggie Bannister (Phantasm, The Mangler Reborn), and he only really gets one scene, so that’s all the more disappointing. To be fair, Anthony Clark wasn’t bad either, but he wasn’t exactly what I’d call inspired. Ryan Hooks and Rachel Scheer were more on the generic end than anything else.

Sadly, most of the focus is on Erin Brown, Andrew Divoff, and Sean Serino. On Divoff (best known for Wishmaster), I can say that I’ve enjoyed him in the past, and I’m not averse to his hammy acting, but I just didn’t care for it in this movie. Erin Brown (Lust in the Mummy’s Tomb, Splatter Beach, Lust for Dracula, Cannibal Doctor, Satan’s School for Lust, An Erotic Werewolf in London, Holocaust Cannibal, Strip Club Massacre) isn’t at much fault here, but I wasn’t wowed by much of what she brought. Sean Serino (The Dead Matter) was given some really bad pieces of dialogue to play with (“Is God punishing us?!”), but she probably did what she could.

Another thing I have to mention – the CGI vultures were shit. There was a lot of bad CGI toward the finale, such as fire and blood (and no, nothing as grand as GRRM), but those vultures were the worst things I’ve seen since Birdemic, and I’m not much exaggerating. Just atrocious.

The plain fact here, though, is that I didn’t have fun during this. Some of the locations looked nice – apparently this was filmed entirely in my neighboring state of Ohio – and some story elements had potential, but overall, I found this a pretty terrible time. I imagine some people could get a kick out of it. Mushroomhead popped up a little toward the beginning, so maybe that’s enough to pull some people over. For me, though, I found this a struggle.

3.5/10

Mortuary (2005)

Directed by Tobe Hooper [Other horror films: The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974), Eaten Alive (1976), The Dark (1979), Salem’s Lot (1979), The Funhouse (1981), Poltergeist (1982), Lifeforce (1985), Invaders from Mars (1986), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986), Spontaneous Combustion (1990), I’m Dangerous Tonight (1990), Night Terrors (1993), Body Bags (1993, segment ‘Eye’), The Mangler (1995), The Apartment Complex (1999), Crocodile (2000), Shadow Realm (2002), Toolbox Murders (2004), Djinn (2013)]

I’ve seen Mortuary at least twice before, I believe, though it’s easily been ten years since the last time I set my eyes on it. I remember not being overly fond of the film, and after revisiting it, I can definitely see why that’s the case.

It’s a shame, too, and not just because Tobe Hooper directed this. Of course, Hooper is one of the big names in horror, but truth be told, there’s only a handful of his films that I actually care for (among them Poltergeist and Eaten Alive). More so, though, the first half of this movie, while not exactly good, is perfectly serviceable, and it’s only around 48 minutes in or so when things go terribly off the rails.

Tonally, the film is a bit of a mess. It seems that out of nowhere, they wanted Mortuary to become some type of comedic zombie movie. I mean, I guess that’s what they wanted – it wasn’t exactly clear to me how intentional the comedic aspects were. Still, it took a decent story and completely turned it around, with zombies vomiting and infecting others, and the fact these zombies can still speak cringe

Mortuary really had potential early on, and I was sort of surprised, given my limited memory of this one, that I was digging the film. But when it goes off the rails, it really goes off the rails, and it just ends up a major disappointment.

I didn’t have a big problem with the performances. I do wish that Denise Crosby (Dolly Dearest, Itsy Bitsy, Pet Sematary) had a bit more to add to the story, but otherwise, I thought she was solid. Dan Byrd (The Hills Have Eyes remake, Salem’s Lot) didn’t make for the most interesting character, but Alexandra Adi was fun enough, and Rocky Marquette (Triloquist) was okay. The trio of Bug Hall (The Shadow People, Arachnoquake), Tarah Paige (Otis), and Courtney Peldon (Skin Walker) could have been fine if handled differently, but boy, they weren’t handled well at all.

Past a certain point, I pretty much lost all interest in the story here. I still paid attention, of course, but my engagement was certainly not what it used to be. I can say that I don’t think aspects were tied together that well – Bobby Fawler didn’t seem to be infected, for instance, but still worked with the black mold/infected zombies for some reason, apparently? I don’t know, I thought they had a potentially fine story here at the beginning, but something got screwed up along the way (which I keep repeating, but I can’t possibly stress enough).

Overall, I can’t say that Mortuary was a particularly enjoyable watch. Seeing it again was interesting, but as a whole, the movie definitely has some issues. I’m sure this one has some fans out there, but I can’t say I’m one of them.

5/10

Happy Birthday to Me (1981)

Directed by J. Lee Thompson [Other horror films: Eye of the Devil (1966), The Reincarnation of Peter Proud (1975)]

Often considered a classic slasher of the early 80’s, Happy Birthday to Me was a movie I very much looked forward to seeing again. I’ve seen it once before, though it’s been quite a while, so I was eager to revisit it. Overall, I do think it’s a solid movie, but I can’t say I exactly love the finale.

Oh, parts of the finale are great – a character walks into a macabre scene of bodies and insanity, and it’s an appropriately-somber sequence – but we’re also given a twist that feels somewhat silly. Of course, most plot twists that involve a latex mask tend to feel that way, but there you go. It’s still a decent finale, memorable in it’s somber feel (even having a solid song, “Happy Birthday to Me” by Syreeta, playing us out), but that twist probably could have been executed differently.

It’s also worth mentioning that the movie is around an hour and 50 minutes. That in itself isn’t a bad thing, but I don’t really know if this movie earns the right to be that long. Sure, we theoretically have something like 12 characters to play around with, but many of them (Steve, Greg, Amelia, Rudi, and Maggie) don’t really get that much in the way of focus.

Honestly, that might be my personal pet peeve with this movie, keeping in mind I still enjoyed it. Virginia (Melissa Sue Anderson) is part of a high school clique named the Top Ten – the others being Maggie (Lenore Zann), Bernadette (Lesleh Donaldson), Etienne (Michel-René Labelle), Greg (Richard Rebiere), Rudi (David Eisner), Ann (Tracey E. Bregman), Amelia (Lisa Langlois), Steve (Matt Craven), and oddball Alfred (Jack Blum). I get that Anderson’s the main character, but very few of these others seemed to get any depth, and I found that odd, especially when this movie could have given some of them something.

As it is, Melissa Sue Anderson (Little House on the Prairie; Midnight Offerings) made for a decent lead, although I’d say she’s not exactly memorable. Playing her father was Lawrence Dane (Scanners, Behind the Wall, Rituals, Of Unknown Origin, The Clown Murders) had some moments toward the finale that stood out. I sort of thought Glenn Ford’s character would have a bit more to do, but he was decent also.

Of the Top Ten, I did like David Eisner (Phobia), Lisa Langlois (The Nest, Fire Serpent, Deadly Eyes), Matt Craven (Till Death Do Us Part, The Intruder Within), and Jack Blum, but like I said, none of them really got a lot in the way of character. Others, such as Lesleh Donaldson (Deadly Eyes, Funeral Home, Curtains) and Lenore Zann (Prettykill, Visiting Hours, the voice of Rogue in the 1990’s X-Men animated series) had potential. Tracey E. Bregman (of soap operas Days of Our Lives, The Young and the Restless, and The Bold and the Beautiful) could have tightened up a few scenes, but her performance is decent.

The gore here isn’t too heavy. Certainly there are a few scenes that stand out, such as someone getting skewered with a kebab, or someone getting weights dropped on their throat, or even a few slit throats, but there’s not that much in the way of blood here, which I think is okay. The movie is on the longer side, but I never felt it was lacking from gore, and overall, the special effects are solid.

There’s a psychological element to Happy Birthday to Me that I can’t say I love. The main character, due to a terrible accident some years past, lost some of her memories, and throughout the film, we get some flashes of images as she begins to remember what happened to her and her mother. I can’t exactly say why these elements didn’t do much for me, but it almost felt unnecessary, and the ludicrous nature of the finale didn’t help with this perception.

Overall, I do think that Happy Birthday to Me is a strong movie. I don’t think it’s amazing, but it’s pretty solid. The finale definitely could have been better, though, and if ever a plot twist needed some work, this one did. Still, the film has a good atmosphere and okay gore, along with decent characters (when they deign to focus on them), so though it’s not what I’d call fantastic, I do think it’s a perfectly solid slasher.

7.5/10

Office Uprising (2018)

Directed by Lin Oeding [Other horror films: N/A]

I need to preface this review with something personal – I’m writing this on January 20th, 2023. God knows when it’ll be posted, but that’s when this is being written. My mother died December 30th, 2022, and this is the first horror film I’ve seen since her death. I wanted to say that as to frame this review in proper context.

With that depressing sentiment out of the way, I can say that Office Uprising is a movie I had mild hope for – it has a decent score on IMDb (5.7/10 with 17,700 votes), and I thought that was optimistic. Unfortunately, more than anything, I found this a rather generic experience, and I’d be flat-out flabbergasted if I ever get the urge to sit through this again.

Not that Office Uprising is a particularly bad movie. It’s just generic. Think Zombieland, or perhaps even Cooties, with less soul. Zombie comedies aren’t easy to master, and I’m not the biggest zombie fan anyway, so this really isn’t my cup of tea. I can say that I was able to watch this alongside a friend on Discord, so at least that helped a bit.

The movie does look nice. There’s a definite sign of high production value behind this. There was even a scene transition that I found somewhat cool. Sadly, though, if a movie doesn’t feel as though it has soul, these positive aspects don’t lend a whole lot to the overall product. And I’m not saying that those involved didn’t put their hearts into this, of course – I can’t know that. I can just say that the story here felt generic and lifeless, with dashes of ridiculousness (that robot suit groan), and it wasn’t my vibe.

Brenton Thwaites (Ghosts of War, Oculus, along with playing Dick Grayson in Titans) didn’t do much for me. I mean, his character wasn’t bad, but it just felt, again, generic. His love interest, played by Jane Levy (Don’t Breathe, Evil Dead) didn’t really have that much of interest to do, and the pacifist character played by Karan Soni (Creep 2, Corporate Animals) just felt like an overlong gag.

A few others did make an impression, though, such as Zachary Levi (Blood Fest), who had some amusing lines (such as his dialogue about the correct usages of both “i.e.” and “e.g.”), and generally had a decent presence, along with Ian Harding, who appeared only a few times, but was okay. Gregg Henry (Bates Motel, Just Before Dawn) felt somewhat lifeless, Kurt Fuller (The Wolves of Savin Hill) felt pointless, and Sam Daly, despite being the son of a personal favorite (Tim Daly), didn’t add much either.

As far as the special effects go, they were fine, in an overly-stylized and Hollywood way. Honestly, while I didn’t find The Belko Experiment great, if you want a horror film of quality that takes place in an office building, I’d likely point people that way. Still, the effects here were okay, but it’s a zombie comedy – someone crushes a soda can and turns it into a ninja-star type thing, and decapitates someone with it. It’s just too silly for me, and even when it wasn’t, too stylized.

Oh, and another thing I didn’t dig at all – these zombies. Because when I say ‘zombies,’ I don’t mean the walking dead people might expect from 28 Days Later…, Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, or The Plague of the Zombies. Those infected here have increased rage (and strength, of course), but are capable of holding conversations, harboring grudges, and retaining other personality traits that you’d associate with, well, people with personality. These zombies are far too human-like and coordinated for me, which I couldn’t get into whatsoever.

For plenty of reasons, Office Uprising didn’t hold up it’s end of the bargain. A few scenes entertained me, a few pieces of dialogue were amusing, but in general, I was woefully unimpressed with a lot of this, and while Office Uprising might work for some people, as far as a zombie comedy goes, I can think of plenty of other films I’d prefer to spend time with, and while I don’t have a strong view on the Stegosaurus, I have a feeling examining their bones would be of more interest than watching this one again.

5/10

The Final (2010)

Directed by Joey Stewart [Other horror films: N/A]

It’s been some time since I’ve last seen this one – if I had to guess, likely around 10 years. I remember enjoying The Final when I did see it, though, so I was definitely interested in revisiting it with fresh eyes.

I do think it’s a decent movie, though I also think it’s fair to say that it’s not particularly special in many ways. While I remembered the movie as violent, the gore here strikes me as somewhat tepid, and while the general plot is okay, a few elements aren’t touched on enough (such as the identity of some others involved in the revenge plot of the main characters).

And on that note, let’s get into the plot – a group of bullied kids decide to fight back against those who have bullied them for years. They get them together, drug them, and begin to torture them, both mentally and physically. Before that, we see snippets of their encounters with these bullies, along with a little bit of their home life.

Now, before I make any judgments, I should say that I was never really bullied in high school. I could have been – I was the quiet, wallflower type, with a speech impediment to boot – but I wasn’t, which I am grateful for. That said, I do feel a deep sympathy with the main characters here, and while their vengeance is questionable, I can’t pretend that the stereotypical jocks and pretty girls got much in the way of pity from me.

Even so, though, the movie is pretty tame. Sure, there are a few violent sequences, such as someone getting paralyzed and then stabbed with acupuncture needles, someone getting a couple of fingers cut off, a girl getting her face eaten off by acid. Violent, sure, but the focus isn’t the gore at all, so though there are some disturbing scenes in concept, it’s really not that hard to watch at all.

I also wish we got a bit more characterization for all involved, bullies and bullied alike. I do like the little bit we get from both Vincent Silochan and Eric Isenhowers’ home lives, and what little we get from Lindsay Seidel’s background was decent too. Even so, almost all of the bullies here felt stereotypical, and while I understand the point, it was sometimes hard to take them seriously.

When it comes to performances, I do think that the three I’ve mentioned, being Vincent Silochan, Eric Isenhowers, and Lindsay Seidel, do the best. It’s true that we don’t get a whole lot from Isenhowers’ character, insofar as personality is concerned, but he had a cool look to him, and his banjo picking was classy. Travis Tedford didn’t really make much of an impression, and while Marc Donato (Haunted High, Bad Kids Go to Hell) had some strong moments, he got a bit preachy for me. Otherwise, the only other performance really worth mentioning is Jascha Washington, and it’s not even that his character was that great, but it was nice to see a character who we can actually root for without feeling bad.

I think, though, that the movie’s decent even without the best characterization. True, the opening scene struck me as somewhat pointless (reminding me a bit of Terrifier’s opening), and I’d have liked a bit more focus on the others helping with the revenge scheme (which, according to IMDb trivia, was planned, but the scenes were later cut, leaving only a reference or two to their identities), but it’s still a pretty painless movie.

It’s not necessarily great at all, but it’s not a bad time to spend an hour and a half. It might be a smidge above average, but it’s close – either way, The Final’s not something I think would blow anyone away, but it can be an okay time.

7.5/10

Alligator (1980)

Directed by Lewis Teague [Other horror films: Cujo (1983), Cat’s Eye (1985), The Triangle (2001)]

Honestly, I don’t have a lot to say about this one. I wasn’t really that impressed with Alligator when I first saw it, and while I can see some decent portions with this recent rewatch, it’s still not really my type of movie.

When it comes to giant monster movies, I’ve never been a big fan. Admittedly, given this movie is from the 1980’s, it does feel different than the movies from the late 50’s. Even so, the story sort of follows the exact same route – a guy has an experience with a giant alligator, and shortly afterward, the military, police, and everyone else is watching out for the creature while it causes havoc.

It’s not even the first killer alligator/crocodile movie – in 1979, we had both Thailand’s Chorakhe (Crocodile) and Italy’s Il fiume del grande caimano (The Great Alligator), and in 1978, the South Korean Agowa gongpo (Crocodile Fangs). Now, I’ve not seen any of these three, but I am sort of curious if they’re similar in story and idea to this movie, and I imagine all of them possess an interesting foreign flavor that obviously this one couldn’t compete with.

No doubt it’s nice to see Robert Forster as the lead. When I first saw this movie, I probably didn’t know who he was, but having seen Breaking Bad and El Camino, even this young, he has a familiar face (also in The Wolf of Snow Hollow, The Darker Side of Terror, and Satan’s Princess). Honestly, I didn’t love his character here, but he was a nice face to see. Robin Riker (Stepmonster) isn’t a name I know, but though I didn’t care for her romantic interest in Forster’s character, she did decent.

Honestly, those two are the only ones that really matter. Sure, Henry Silva (Thirst) appears for a bit, Dean Jagger (X the Unknown, Revolt of the Zombies, So Sad About Gloria) seems to be set up as a human antagonist, but it never really goes anywhere, and while Michael V. Gazzo (The Godfather Part II) appears throughout the film, we never get a good feel for him.

Some of the special effects look decent. It’s not a particularly gory movie or anything, but the titular alligator gets a few tasty bites in. I think my bigger issue is that it’s hard for me to watch this and not think of Lake Placid, which is a movie I find so much more enjoyable than this one, and actually, I think it’s fair to say that this feels more like a 70’s product than it does one of the 1980’s, given it’s somewhat dry feel.

I’ve only seen Alligator twice now, and both times, while I can’t say I’ve been let down, I can say that neither viewing has done much for me. It’s not a bad movie, but it’s not one that I really care for, at least for the time being.

6/10