Triloquist (2008)

Directed by Mark Jones [Other horror films: Leprechaun (1992), Rumpelstiltskin (1995), Scorned (2013)]

So, it’s hard right now for me to resist the urge to write an all caps review of how terrible this movie is, because I want to try and retain some modicum of professionalism. That said, Triloquist is one of the worst horror movies I have ever seen, and if I had a choice to watch this again or kill myself, I’d been grabbing for the rope in a heartbeat.

That might sound like an exaggeration, but I’m not entirely sure that it is.

Directed by Mark Jones, who brought us the decently enjoyable classic Leprechaun, Triloquist is a horrible experience from beginning to end. It starts off reminding me of Seed of Chucky, only, get this, worse (and my seething hatred for Seed of Chucky isn’t something that I thought would have competition).

Narration by the dummy. Narration that’s supposed to be funny. The dummy often talks about how hot Paydin LoPachin’s tits are, because that always gets a laugh. Honestly, pretty much everything in this movie was cringe-worthy, but the dummy’s dialogue (not to mention voice) has to be the worst part of this.

Paydin LoPachin’s performance was terrible. She was trying so hard to be an even more crazy Baby Firefly, but she didn’t display an ounce of Sherri Moon Zombie’s talent. She’s attractive, but as she had zero nude scenes, all that concerned me was her atrocious dialogue, annoying personality, and the fact she’s entirely unlikable.

Also, I love how, for some reason, LoPachin’s character never says ‘ventriloquist’ – it’s always ‘triloquist,’ because… yeah, no reason. A+++++++++ choice, amiright???????

Let’s talk about Rocky Marquette – wait, no, as he barely did anything aside from look mentally challenged, it’s not fair to comment on him one way or the other.

At least we got some good music, amiright?

That’s a joke – the music here was, again, terrible. Everything in this movie was terrible. Everything. Every little thing. Every scene, every line of dialogue (save a single line near the beginning that made me chuckle), and everything else too.

Horror-comedies that are far more focused on the comedy aspect couldn’t interest me less. A movie like Arachnophobia or Scream? That’s a perfectly balanced ratio of horror:comedy. But when a movie gets too focused on the humor, especially the idiotic humor presented here (and other movies have done it too, such as Nightmare Sisters and Seed of Chucky), I lose all interest.

Seed of Chucky was a terrible movie with very few redeeming factors. I gave it a 2/10, and that’s being generous. Triloquist had no redeeming factors. Nothing. This is one of the worst movies I have ever seen, period.

0/10

This is one of the films covered on Fight Evil’s podcast. If interested in hearing my outrage, listen below as Chucky (@ChuckyFE) and I discuss this one.