Tag: USA

Directed by Terry Winsor [Other horror films: N/A]

This film came as a surprise to me. It shouldn’t have – I’ve technically seen it before – but as it’s been over ten years, much of this slipped my mind. After refreshing my memory, the biggest question is how I ever managed to get through this one the first time.

I’m not sure if I’ve ever said this, but I have arachnophobia. It doesn’t bother me when watching most spider-based horror films, as so many are laughably unrealistic, such as Spiders, Ice Spiders, Camel Spiders, Arachnoquake, or Lavalantula. If it’s a big, fake spider, I have no problems. Hell, even if it’s something like Eight Legged Freaks, I’m not too worried.

There are a few films that have gotten to me, among them Arachnophobia, Kingdom of the Spiders, Deadly Blessing (those tarantula scenes tho…) and definitely this one.

In the Spider’s Web is utterly awful for someone who doesn’t care for our eight-legged friends. True, toward the end, there are some hideously CGI spiders thrown in, along with some rather fake-looking webs, but for the most part, these spiders look rather realistic. There were plenty of scenes of spiders coming down on webs as people were walking through spider-infested caves, and it was just a horrible experience.

Aside from that, the story’s of moderate interest. There’s a shady American doctor (played by Lance Henriksen) living in an Indian village (technically, this film was made in Thailand, but us Americans are unlikely to tell the difference) and also seems to have an unhealthy relationship with spiders. I did appreciate the minor backstory we got on his character, but at the same time, the circumstances of how we found out was rather ridiculous.

So a woman is bitten by a spider on a jungle tour, and the guides bring her to this village, as they know a doctor’s here. Three of the tour members go back to a small town, and alert the police. It’s a small police station, so one of them goes to a nearby, albeit larger, town. While at that police station, he picks up an outdated newspaper, makes a joke about how old it is, and boom, on the front page is a story about Lance Henriksen’s character. And this happens just in time for the day to be saved come the finale.

So yeah, that was a wee bit far-fetched. If they just had a different newspaper on a table, the ending would have been a lot grimmer than it already was. It’s whatever – I sort of like the gumption – but it definitely felt a bit forced.

Lance Henriksen was okay, but unspectacular. To be honest, I think I see him too often (Pumpkinhead, Hellraiser: Hellworld, Mansion of the Doomed, and Gehenna: Where Death Lives, to name a few) for him to make a large impression, but whatever, he’s okay. Others that tended to be average include Emma Catherwood (Senseless, The Reeds, Spirit Trap), Michael Smiley (The Hallow, Tank 432, Censor, A Field in England, Kill List), and Lisa Livingstone (The Redwood Massacre, Ghosts of Darkness).

To be sure, Cian Barry (Nina Forever, Ghost Town) wasn’t great, but I wanted to mention that his character takes a somewhat unexpected route. What the finale does to his character is somewhat odd – he’s told to stay somewhere, to wait for help, but he doesn’t. Instead, he goes back into a cave full of spiders. I don’t know why – they didn’t give a reason. It led to a somewhat terrifying final scene, but it just felt odd.

Though he didn’t get a ton of screen-time, Mike Rogers seemed like a fun character. Most importantly, though, is Sohrab Ardeshir. Playing a local police sergeant of a small town, Ardeshir seems like a small character at first, but he actually not only becomes rather important to the plot, but also becomes the most likable character in the film. A solid, stand-up guy, I really like Ardeshir’s performance, and while I didn’t think much of the character at first, I totally dug him come the finale.

All of this is to say that, while the story here is a bit lacking – especially when concerning the brother of Lance Henriksen’s character, who wears a spider silk sack over his head – there’s definitely some charm to be found. Most of the spider effects look pretty good, save a few scenes toward the end, and there is a bit of an interesting story at times. It’s still not a good movie, and personally, if only due to the spiders, I didn’t necessarily enjoy myself, but I definitely feel it’s not half bad, and might be worth a watch if it sounds like your type of thing.

6/10

Directed by Duane Journey [Other horror films: N/A]

While largely an inoffensive movie (which may itself be an accomplishment, based on the title), Hansel & Gretel Get Baked certainly had potential. The wacky idea of a stoner movie mixed with a horror-themed Hansel and Gretel sounds a lot of fun, and is in fact why I went out of my way to watch this one. As it is, the movie isn’t terrible, but I do think they somewhat squandered some of the potential.

Partially, I’d say this has to do with a couple of unnecessary characters. By a couple, I mean the characters played by Cary Elwes, Reynaldo Gallegos, Lochlyn Munro, Yancy Butler, Eddy Martin, Joe Ordaz, Celestino Cornielle, and David Tillman, along with arguably Bianca Saad. To be sure, most of these individuals didn’t have a lot of on-screen activity, but more to the point, few of them made much of a difference, especially the two police officers (played by Munro and Butler), who appeared twice just to set up a comedic scene, it seems.

As it is, the comedy in the film wasn’t actually overbearing, which was a nice surprise. There are a few elements I found a bit much, such as some pot-controlled zombies, but it’s worth mentioning that they barely appear, and if you close your eyes for half a minute, there’s a good chance you won’t know they’re in the movie (which is how I prefer it). Otherwise, while there’s definitely some comedic elements (including a few rather amusing lines from Lara Flynn Boyle’s character), it’s luckily toned down.

I do have to say something about one of the lines, though: early in the film, girlfriend (Molly C. Quinn) and boyfriend (Andrew James Allen) are talking about some weed the guy got from a sweet, old grandmother in Pasadena. Both of them are quite high, so Quinn’s character begins singing the song “The Little Old Lady from Pasadena.” The guy looks blankly at her, and she says, “You know, the Beach Boys.”

I definitely appreciate that she gets into the classic surf rock that I too grew up on. I do love The Beach Boys. However, and I imagine this is either an in-joke to the common misconception, or perhaps just a joke about how stoned they are, but “The Little Old Lady from Pasadena” isn’t originally sung by The Beach Boys, it’s a song by Jan & Dean (who also did such hits as “Dead Man’s Curve” and “Surf City”). To be fair, The Beach Boys did cover the song live, but even so, I wanted to spend two paragraphs talking about Jan & Dean, who I find deeply underrated.

Back to the movie, though, another lost piece of the puzzle would be Hansel and Gretel. Naturally, they’re brother and sister, played by Michael Welch and Molly C. Quinn, respectively. I think they work pretty well in a brother-sister combo role, but unfortunately, they don’t really do that much together. Most of the film follows Gretel as she deals with her missing boyfriend, and Hansel really doesn’t do that much until the finale, and even then, what he does is quite limited. I just think it’s a shame, as the two of them felt like real siblings, and I would have definitely preferred the two of them working together as opposed to Gretel getting help from another stoner’s girlfriend (Bianca Saad’s character).

Even so, I really enjoyed Molly C. Quinn’s performance. She isn’t an actress I know that well (though I have seen her in We’re the Millers, and she starred in Agnes), but she held her own, and I thought she worked well with both Michael Welch (A Haunting in Cawdor, Before Someone Gets Hurt, Blood Craft, All the Boys Love Mandy Lane, The Final Wish, and most importantly, the TV series Joan of Arcadia) and Andrew James Allen (Blood Is Blood, Smiley). Welch had a good performance too; I just wish he did more.

Otherwise, it’s hard to really say anyone else stood out. Certainly Lara Flynn Boyle (The House Next Door) had some funny lines, but I was overall underwhelmed with the story behind her character. Lochlyn Munro (Freddy vs. Jason, The Blackburn Asylum, The Unspoken) was nice to see, but ultimately pointless, as was Cary Elwes (Saw), who only appeared during the opening, and was close to unrecognizable. Bianca Saad was okay, but she really only got perhaps ten minutes of notable screen-time, and that doesn’t really do much to impress me.

When it popped up, the gorier aspects of Hansel & Gretel Get Baked weren’t bad. There was an individual early on who was tied down, has one of his eyes eaten, and a portion of his chest skinned. I can’t say the special effects were great, but I did feel a deal of sympathy for him. Another thing I liked, as ridiculous as it sounds, was a bomb shelter that was used as a growing room – rows and rows (this was a big-ass bomb shelter) of weed certainly made it a place worth investigating.

At this juncture, I should mention that perhaps one of the best ways to consume this movie is shortly after consuming some grade-A bud. Unfortunately, I don’t have any weed on me at the moment, and went in sober. Even so, it’s not a bad film; it’s not good, of course, but at least we avoided awful.

More than anything, I think it was inoffensive and ultimately underwhelming. I don’t think most people would have a bad time with Hansel & Gretel Get Baked, but I’d be somewhat surprised if over half of viewers actively enjoyed it. It’s below average, but it might still be worth a watch if you’re in the right state of mind.

6/10

Directed by Mark Jones [Other horror films: Rumpelstiltskin (1995), Triloquist (2008), Scorned (2013)]

Leprechaun is a film that I’ve seen before and enjoyed, but it’s been a long time. I mean, ten years+ long, if not longer, so I was worried that when I revisited this one, some of the charm would be lost.

Well, it’s a mixed bag, but generally, I still hold the same positive views that I had when seeing this movie those many years back.

Naturally, I think the biggest problem is that some of the humor is a bit too goofy for my liking, such as that skateboard sequence, or perhaps that scooter chase. Hell, even popping out of those cabinets felt a bit too Scooby-Doo to me. However, unlike later movies in the franchise, the humor is somewhat restrained, and while I wouldn’t exactly call the movie dark or overly serious in tone at any point, Leprechaun isn’t entirely without merit for the traditional horror fan.

It’s in the characters, I think, that this movie really shines. Certainly Jennifer Aniston’s Tory is bratty and unlikable for a solid third of the film, but Mark Holton’s Ozzie has a lot of heart, and his interactions with Robert Hy Gorman’s Alex were low-key my favorite portions of the film, as I felt they could be somewhat touching at times (especially concerning Ozzie’s mental disabilities, which I felt were handled decently in the film).

What’s somewhat impressive, at least to me, is that most of the central cast was pretty solid. Sure, the story may not have been a work of the Gods, but the performances were all varying degrees of good, which, for a movie that feels like a Full Moon feature half the time, is a stunning feat.

Aniston is an individual that some people might know from Friends, but as I’ve never seen an episode of Friends, my knowledge of her comes from films such as Along Came Polly, We’re the Millers, and Derailed (none of the three, sadly, will be reviewed on this blog). Like I said, she’s bratty at the beginning, but has some quality lines (“I know what it feels like when a man caresses my leg,” followed by John Sanderford’s reply, “You do?”), and she does improve as the movie goes on.

Speaking of Sanderford (The Alchemist), he doesn’t appear much past the first twenty minutes, but he’s of good value. Robert Hy Gorman (Sometimes They Come Back), as I said, had some touching moments with Mark Holton’s character. Somewhat amusingly, I saw Holton rather recently when I revisited a crime-drama film from 2003, Gacy, which stars Holton as the infamous serial killer. Also from films such as Hoboken Hollow and Madhouse, I found Holton’s performance great here. Ken Olandt (April Fool’s Day) probably stands out the least, but he still has his moments.

Warwick Davis brings a palpable energy into his role as the titular Leprechaun. It really seems as though he’s having a blast. Like I said, some of his actions are a bit goofy, but I definitely don’t fault Davis, and I love what he brought to the film. Plus, his rhymes are dope (though they get doper), and I love a man with that much dedication toward getting back his gold.

Now, Leprechaun isn’t exactly a gory film. There are a few moments, such as the pogo stick scene, that give us a little something, but that’s not the point of the movie. What I think Leprechaun does quite well are the other special effects, and toward the end, I couldn’t help but think of Gremlins and the gooey goodness both that classic and this provided.

As much as I appreciate a lot of this, though, it still occasionally felt too goofy for me. That doesn’t make the film a bad one, as I did enjoy revisiting this quite a bit, but then I think of how they distracted the Leprechaun by throwing shoes toward him (his compulsive desire to shine any and all shoes well-established by that point), or I think back to that (mercifully short) skateboard sequence, and I have to sort of reign in my praise.

Leprechaun is a solid movie. I personally find it fun, the cast fantastic, and the story amusing enough. It does go overboard, though, which I think is my only real issue. On a related note, if you want to say that I don’t know how to have fun, that’s certainly alright. When it comes down to it, I think the movie is a high average. It may be above average, in fact, but for the time being, I feel an average rating fair.

7/10

Directed by Robert Mann [Other horror films: R BnB (2023)]

I’ve known about The Pumpkin Karver for a long time, and in fact, way back in 2009, I made a list of about 150 or so horror films I wanted to see. That list has grown to 529 at the time of this writing, but the point of this is that from the beginning, The Pumpkin Karver was on that list.

I don’t really know why. If I had to guess, I heard it was a Halloween-themed slasher, and that was all it took to create interest for me. I doubt I heard much more about it, and really, aside from seeing a consistently low rating on IMDb (right now, on March 29th, 2022, it holds a 3.3/10 with 1,546 votes), I’ve not heard much about it since.

Honestly, though, after seeing it, I can see why.

This movie is rather poor. Sure, the budget is low, but the bigger issue is that the script is rather horrible, and the story doesn’t really make a lot of sense, at least not to me. That ending was absolute shit, also, which didn’t help. Even worse than the poor plot, though, is the fact it’s often boring. The film follows a group of teens as they party, and it’s not until half-way through the film that things really pick up, and I use ‘pick up’ loosely.

A few of the kills are okay, and by a few, I mean two. There’s a decapitation, which was simple, but always effective, and far more memorable was someone who was forced into a drillbit, which impaled the individual and revealed their organs for the world to see. It was really the only gore in the film, and it didn’t actually look that bad, so minor kudos for that.

And speaking of kudos, while most of the cast is rather unspectacular, I sort of dug Michael Zara as the lead. He had that quiet, brooding vibe you’d expect from John Shepherd’s Tommy from A New Beginning. It wasn’t great, but it was tolerable. Minka Kelly (who later played Dawn Granger, or Dove, in Titans) was pretty cute here, and one of the few characters who actually seemed okay.

Amy Weber (Dangerous Seductress) starts off pretty horribly, at least as far as her character goes, but doesn’t turn out half-bad come the end. Playing two utterly intoxicated fellas, David Phillips and Alex Weed were incredibly annoying most of the time, but they did provide some amusement in an otherwise dragging film. Oh, and Terrence Evans was overly silly, and while some of his dialogue was amusing, it didn’t do much to endear me to him.

Overall, The Pumpkin Karver is pretty awful, it’s biggest sin being that it’s dull. It’s a lower-budget slasher, so if you’re into that type of thing, it might be worth checking out if you can catch it free, but I really don’t think it’s worth it, and it didn’t do much for me at all, if truth be told. In the right mind-set, though, I suppose it could be fun.

4/10

Directed by Sidney Salkow [Other horror films: The Last Man on Earth (1964)]

I’ve long heard of this film, and remember the title primarily due to the quality alliteration, and as it turns out, Twice-Told Tales is a pretty good film. I mean, it’s an anthology that stars Vincent Prince in all of it’s stories, so perhaps that shouldn’t come as a great surprise, but even so, I was rather entertained by the film.

Twice-Told Tales comprises of three stories, each one based on works of Nathaniel Hawthorne, being ‘Dr. Heidegger’s Experiment’, ‘Rappaccini’s Daughter’, and ‘The House of the Seven Gables.’ I regret to say that I’ve not read any of the source material – in fact, I have very limited exposure to Hawthorne’s writings, and the only writings from him I can swear to have read would be the short story “Young Goodman Brown.”

Despite my lack of experience with Hawthorne’s work, I can say that each of the three stories here are pretty solid. All have a rather classic horror feel, the second segment, ‘Rappaccini’s Daughter,’ perhaps being the most experimental and daring. Given the film is about two hours, each segment lasts forty minutes, which I do think causes minor dragging at times – certainly this isn’t the fast-paced horror that modern-day audiences might be used to. Even so, I found it rather worth it.

I think that, while all three stories are decent, the strongest is the last segment, being ‘The House of the Seven Gables.’ Amusingly, it’s not an easy choice, though, as ‘Dr. Heidegger’s Experiment’ is a very strong segment, and has some of my favorite performances and characters in the whole of Twice-Told Tales. That said, while ‘The House of the Seven Gables’ (which is definitely a title I recognize from cultural osmosis, but before watching this, I couldn’t tell you what it was pertaining, as my hombre Serge from Beverly Hills Cop says) is a bit slow at the beginning, come the finale of the story, things pick up beautifully, and it’s a wildly fun time reminiscent of House of Usher.

When it comes to ‘Rappaccini’s Daughter’, I’m torn. I didn’t dislike it, but it certainly felt like the weakest of the three segments, though of course I appreciated the horrors of botany being displayed some years prior to The Revenge of Doctor X/Body of the Prey/Venus Fly Trap. I think the main issue I have is that, while the finale of the story was decent, there weren’t really any ompf moments, which the other segments definitely had. I do think, because of this, that it was well-placed as the middle story, as it allows the film to both begin and end on higher notes.

Naturally, Vincent Price is the glowing star here – in all three stories, he does wonderfully, and I think he especially shines in both the first and final story. Price has long been a favorite actor of mine – from classics such as House on Haunted Hill and Pit and the Pendulum to films such as Theatre of Blood and The Oblong Box, he rarely does poorly, and this film showcases his great talent. My second-favorite performance here would be Sebastian Cabot (Journey to Midnight), as I found his performance in the first story rather poignant, and I thought he worked fantastically with Price.

Others who warrant a mention include Jacqueline deWit, Joyce Taylor (13 Frightened Girls, Beauty and the Beast), Abraham Sofaer, Richard Denning (Creature with the Atom Brain, Target Earth, Day the World Ended, The Black Scorpion, Creature from the Black Lagoon), and Brett Halsey (Demonia, Return of the Fly). Admittedly, Halsey takes a little while to really make a positive impression on me, as portions of his performance seemed weak, but the others listed were fun from beginning to end.

There were a few portions of the film that really stood out – naturally, given how much I enjoyed the first segment, a lot of that finale kept me really happy. Even more, though, would be the finale of ‘The House of the Seven Gables’, which, as I said earlier, was just wild. There was a house that was seeping blood from the ceiling and walls, blood coming from a portrait, all made more effective due to the fact this film is in color (which isn’t always a given when it comes to 60’s horror). Oh, there’s also a floating skeleton arm that attacks someone in the final story, which was of great value also.

All-in-all, while it’s possible that Twice-Told Tales runs a bit long, it’s an overall solid film, and if you’re a fan of either classic horror or Vincent Price, then it’s definitely worth keeping an eye out for. I don’t know if it’ll impress others as much as it impressed me – and to be sure, I wouldn’t exactly call the movie amazing – but I do think many would get a kick out of it.

7.5/10

Directed by Stephen Shimek [Other horror films: Nocturne (2016)]

I don’t know if The Maze is an easy movie to look at. Certainly I found most of the first 50 minutes rather unspectacular and quite generic, but the film also changes gears in the final 35 minutes or so, and while not executed amazingly well, I deeply appreciate what they were going for.

In fact, it’s because of the finale that I remember this movie as much as I do. I saw it many years back (since the movie came out 2010, I’d wager to say I saw it no later than 2013, and it’s March 2022 as I write this), and really, the only thing I remembered about it, aside from the fact much of it took place in a corn maze, is the finale, which I thought was stellar. Well, the execution isn’t stellar, but seeing it again, damn it, I still liked it.

The first 55 minutes, though, is, as I said, rather generic, following a group of five friends being stalked and killed while playing tag in a corn maze. There’s not much here that’s really interesting – even the killer, who perpetually wears a red hoodie, is utterly unspectacular – and it can feel pretty dull, even once the tepid killings begin.

Luckily, the latter portion of the film follows the only survivor as they’re taken in by the local police and has an opportunity to relay what happened to their friends. Naturally, the killer isn’t happy that one of his would-be victims got away, so attempts to remedy this by going after them, even if they’re in police custody. It might not sound like much, but it’s also here that we discover more about the killer, and I entirely dug it.

There’s not much in the way of memorable performances. I sort of liked Seven Castle’s (what an interesting name that is, on a side-note; sounds like an amusement park – oh, and she was in 2015’s Delirium) character, though, like many of her friends, we never learned a whole lot about her. Related, Clare Niederpruem (Zombie Hunter, Nocturne, and Thirst) was sort of fun – at least, I liked her Velma scene – but she doesn’t make a huge impression. Luke Drake (who sort of rocks a Cillian Murphy vibe) shines at times, though, which is something.

None of the kills, even toward the finale, are all that interesting, and like I said, the killer, or more particularly, the design of the killer, is rather unremarkable. I don’t know if the flawed finale makes up for any of these shortcomings, but I can say that I personally rather enjoyed what the movie tried to do. It may not have succeeded – at this time, The Maze sports a 3.8/10 on IMDb with 1,068 votes – but I definitely appreciated what they were going for.

It’s because of that that I can’t really say I disliked the film. I don’t think it’s particularly good, and I can’t say that the movie overcomes it’s flaws altogether, but I can see myself both recommending it and personally watching it again in the future due to the almost clever direction the movie takes.

I’d never go as far as to say The Maze is required watching, though, even for a fan of slasher movies, but I think I probably see the film as around average, which is definitely more than what most people apparently take away from the movie.

7/10

Directed by Jeff Wadlow [Other horror films: Truth or Dare (2018), Fantasy Island (2020)]

So Cry Wolf is one of those movies that I’ve wanted to see for quite a while. And to be clear, by ‘a while’, I mean since around 2009. Way back in the day, I made a list of horror films I wanted to check out, and this was on that list from the very beginning.

I never went out of my way to check it out because I thought I knew the type of movie it was going to be, and there were more interesting selections of films out there. As it is, I had an enjoyable time watching Cry Wolf, but I’d be lying if I said it ended up differently from what I expected.

It’s not really a case of all flash and no substance – the story here is sort of fun. The twists, while few are really surprising (come the finale, I was almost completely right, but made one mistake in my assumptions), keep the movie moving at a nice pace, and past a certain point, there are enough suspenseful scenes and mysteries to keep you interested.

What sort of didn’t do it for me, though, is just that it felt like they really badly wanted to make this a Saw movie, what with the twists, and that overly dramatic finale which threw a bunch of flashbacks at us (obviously with some additional context). I mean, don’t get me wrong, it was still enjoyable, but it almost felt like they were trying a bit too hard.

Performances all around were decent. Julian Morris (Donkey Punch, Something Wicked) is watchable enough, but he’s far from what makes the film enjoyable. Better are Lindy Booth and surprisingly Jon Bon Jovi. Booth (Wrong Turn, Dark Honeymoon) certainly had an interesting personality, and was playful enough, whereas Jon Bon Jovi’s (Vampires: Los Muertos) performance as a prep school teacher reminded me a little of Robert Englund’s role in Urban Legend.

Also, while I’m not a Supernatural fan, it was sort of nice seeing Jared Padalecki (also from House of Wax and Friday the 13th) here. His character is never super important, but he has a nice, clean-cut face. Gary Cole (who played a Vice President during some seasons of The West Wing, along with voicing a character Kim Possible, a favorite animated show of mine) was fun to see in a few scenes, and though her character was even less important than Padalecki’s, Kristy Wu had some zap to her.

What I think this all comes down to, though, as far as my feelings go, is that nothing in this movie really surprised me. Oh, some of the twists were unexpected, but I wasn’t once close to being blown away. I liked the conclusion well enough, but I think I probably would have liked this a lot more if I had seen it all those years ago when I first heard about it, as opposed to now when I’m #jaded.

Certainly I had fun while watching Cry Wolf, but I don’t think it’ll ultimately leave a large impression on me. It’s a stylish, occasionally clever movie with an okay mystery and a killer poster, and I do think it’s a decent film, but I don’t honestly think it’s a lot more than that.

7/10

Directed by Robert Hammer [Other horror films: N/A]

This isn’t the easiest movie to examine. In some ways, Don’t Answer the Phone! is definitely generic and underwhelming, but it’s also occasionally competent trash, and that has to count for something, whatever that may be.

To preface this review, I have to say that I didn’t watch this under ideal circumstances, and by that, I mean I own it on a 50-movie pack, specifically Mill Creek’s Pure Terror release. The quality isn’t that poor, but I know the film came out on Blu-Ray in 2017, so I can’t say that this copy isn’t possibly missing something.

As it stands, the movie isn’t a violent one, at least not with the print I have – plenty of women get strangled, and to add to the spiciness, many of these women are topless – but it’s not at all gory, and while I couldn’t go as far as to call it dull, I will admit a lot of this feels familiar.

I think that’s one of the bigger problems, if I’m being honest. Films such as City in Panic, Naked Massacre, Murderlust, and even Forced Entry all have similar elements – granted, two of those films came out after this one, but even so, we’re not talking ground-breaking entertainment here. It’s competent for what it does – if you like seeing topless women strangled, I’d recommend you look no further – but it’s definitely not a film that’s all too memorable.

I can personally attest to that, as I’ve seen it previously, and came into this viewing with very little memory of what I’d seen before. As far as I can tell, the most memorable part of the film is Nicholas Worth’s role as the killer. Not that his performance is good; in fact, at times, it’s somewhat laughable. But whether laughable or not, I can’t say that he’s not captivating when on-screen, which has to count for something.

Otherwise, it’s hard to say that others stand out. The two central police officers, played by James Westmoreland and Ben Frank, were both okay, and they had some solid scenes (such as the rather amusing visit to a brothel disguised as a health spa), but not overly relevant. The same is true of Flo Lawrence (Schizoid), who seems important at first, but fades into the background, only to sort of come back into prominence toward the finale.

A few others are worth mentioning, though to be sure, none of the characters they played were important. Chris Wallace (who you might recognize from New Year’s Evil) had an amusing sequence as a psychic. Playing an amusingly sleazy magazine owner was Chuck Mitchell, and there was also a pimp played by Stan Haze who had a moment to shine during the aforementioned brothel sequence.

Really, Don’t Answer the Phone! isn’t without a few strong points. The nudity throughout doesn’t go amiss, and there can be an amusing scene or two. I didn’t care whatsoever about the romantic subplot thrown in, and the finale wasn’t that great, but there are moments when the film almost seems like it’s worth watching.

Even so, I wouldn’t go as far as to call it a good film. It’s not terrible, at least not in my eyes. But it’s also one that I don’t suspect I’ll watch again any time soon, and if it sticks with me better this time around, that’s probably the best the movie can hope to ask for.

6/10