Directed by John Luessenhop [Other horror films: N/A]
It’s been some time since I’ve seen Texas Chainsaw 3D, and I have to admit, time has been kind to it.
Well, moderately speaking anyways. The first time I saw this one, I remember finding it rather unsatisfactory and generic. Perhaps in my old age, I’ve grown a warmer heart, because while this movie does have some big problems (which I will expound on before too long), it’s probably tied for my third-favorite movie in the series.
Following directly from the 1974 classic, and in fact, showing us some choice cuts of that gritty staple of horror, the film shows the aftermath of Sally’s escape, what with police and vigilante hick folk wanting revenge on the savagery of the crimes. The Sawyer family grew considerably from what appeared in the original movie – there’s something like twenty people crammed in that house. Some are played by old hands, such as Gunnar Hansen (who, of course, was the first person to play Leatherface) and Bill Moseley (who played Chop-Top in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2). I didn’t care for how those family members popped out of nowhere, but whateves, it’s dramatic.
Anyhow, one of the babies makes it out of the attack (and I say ‘attack’ because the family, while armed, was willing to give up Leatherface, or Jeb, but before they could, vigilante hick folk decided to redefine ‘justice’), and years later, in what looks like modern-day to this film, say 2012 or 2013, a young woman inherits a house from a previously unknown grandmother, and her and her twenty-something friends –
Wait.
Now, I was never particularly gifted in mathematics. Truth be told, I was always more a history and English guy. If this character, Heather, was a baby in 1973, in 2012, she would be at least 39. I know that plastic surgery has done a lot for people over the years, but there is absolutely no way that Heather’s character is anywhere close to that. The actress, Alexandra Daddario, would have been 25-26 around the time this was filmed, and if you look at her character and think that she’s almost 40, you’re #wacky.
Some of you out there might think I’m nit-picking, or perhaps suggest that, perhaps, the date of the events of the first movie was just moved up to the mid-1980’s, which wouldn’t be a bad way to get around this. However, we clearly see on police documents and reports that the event happened in September 1973.
That’s a problem. That’s a big problem. That’s a completely avoidable problem. And honestly, that’s just utterly ridiculous. How they didn’t notice this glaring issue when making the movie is beyond me, but it’s one of the biggest issues with the movie.
It’s not the only issue, naturally. This movie is in 3D. Why? Because it probably sells tickets, and more expensive ones, at that. Otherwise, I don’t have a good reason. I don’t believe any of the 3D shots were of any value, and they easily could have not been in 3D and been just as effective. Other movies were doing it at the time; the My Bloody Valentine remake was 3D, as was Saw 3D and The Final Destination. None of them had to be, but capitalism, amiright?????
Perhaps the last of my issues is how they decide to end the film. For most of the movie, Leatherface is the antagonistic force, understandably so. That’s not the case for the final 15 minutes, though. I can’t get into why without giving away spoilers, but I can give you the most cringe quote I’ve heard in years: “Do your thing, Cuz.”
Oh, and there’s a short post-credits scene that’s void of any value, so be warned. I guess some out there might find it funny, but I just found it awful.
Otherwise, the movie’s not that shabby.
Look, I’m a simple man. Give me a character to root for and plenty of dismemberment, and I might have an okay time. Admittedly, likable characters in this film are few and far between, but the gore, 3D or not, was pretty solid. A guy got cut in half with a chainsaw, which was perhaps my favorite scene of the film. Another got attacked and hacked with what looked to be a hatchet. There were scenes of legs and fingers being cut off corpses, a scene of someone going through some mechanical meat grinder thing, another got stabbed with a pitchfork, and naturally, someone was slammed onto a meathook, in classic TCM style.
The gore here was solid, and I definitely appreciated that. For the few likable characters we got (given to us by Alexandra Daddario, Thom Barry, and Richard Riehle), I thought they were of good value. It’s here that I did want to applaud the film for trying something a little different – though I don’t think the execution was that solid, I did like the idea of the power structure of the town becoming the biggest problem toward the end of the movie.
Alexandra Daddario (We Summon the Darkness, Bereavement, Burying the Ex) was decent throughout. Never amazing, and I didn’t care at all where the story took her, but a decent lead all the same. Her friends – played by Trey Songz (apparently some R&B artist I’ve never heard of), Keram Malicki-Sánchez (Cherry Falls), and Tania Raymonde (Deep Blue Sea 3) – were mostly non-entities. Shaun Sipos (The Sandman) also didn’t do that much, and, while nice to see, Marilyn Burns (Sally from The Texas Chain Saw Massacre) didn’t add a whole lot either.
Paul Rae (who I know from the two-part season 4 finale of Criminal Minds) did well with a horrible character. Scott Eastwood was whatever, but it was nice to see familiar faces in both Richard Riehle (Hatchet, Mischief Night) and Ritchie Montgomery (Ragin Cajun Redneck Gators, Trailer Park Shark). I had no issues with Dan Yeager’s Leatherface, and Thom Barry was of good value just because his character was actually pleasant.
It’s obvious that I have some problems with this movie, but I want to state again that, as bad as some of the problems are, I didn’t hate this. It was an okay time. It’s not as good as the original movie, nor do I enjoy it as much as Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part III, but I definitely enjoyed it more than films like The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. It’s likely on par with the 2003 remake – neither that film nor this are stellar, but they can be a good way to spend some time, and get the job done.
6/10