Category: Reviews

Directed by Steve Latshaw [Other horror films: Vampire Trailer Park (1991), Biohazard: The Alien Force (1994), Jack-O (1995), Death Mask (1998), Return of the Killer Shrews (2012)]

While rather low budget in it’s approach, Dark Universe does have some mild charm to it. It’s not what I’d call a good movie, but for what it is, I don’t think it’s at all awful.

With what looks like a makeshift Xenomorph running around Florida swamps, Dark Universe can be a little fun. Having an alien causing havoc on Earth isn’t uncommon – look at films such as The Incredible Melting Man, The Borrower, Lifeforce, Night of the Blood Beast, and Without Warning – but it’s still unique enough for a lower budget film to try and craft that at least a little respect should be thrown it’s way.

Honestly, while some of the special effects are quite terrible (such as the spacecraft pilot at the beginning morphing into the Xenomorph-lite), some aren’t too shabby. As much as I make fun of the alien design here, it’s okay. There’s also the scenes where the alien sucks the fluids out of some unfortunate souls, leaving their bodies emaciated. It’s not great, but we’re talking about an early 1990’s straight-to-video movie here, so again, I have to give the film some kudos.

It’s not a good movie, though, which may not come as a surprise. It’s sort of fun at times, but there’s not a lot to the film – just people trekking through the swamps, occasionally getting attacked by the alien, and almost always during the day. It’s not generally that interesting, even if it does look okay for the budget they had.

Personally, I thought Blake Pickett (HauntedWeen) made for a somewhat irritating character. She started out fine, but the more she did, the less I cared for her. It’s the opposite with John Maynard (in one of his earliest roles), who I rather liked until the end. Bently Tittle (also from HauntedWeen) was generic, yet fine, Joe Estevez (The Lights and Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan among his most well-known works) popped up for some reason, and we got a small scene with William Grefé (not generally an actor, but the director of suck works as Whiskey Mountain, Death Curse of Tartu, Stanley, and Mako: The Jaws of Death), which was sort of fun.

Dark Universe isn’t a good movie, but I don’t think it’s terrible. It can be quite dull at times, and the finale isn’t what I’d exactly call nail-biting, but for some cheap alien action, and for a retro time, it might be worth checking out at least once.

5.5/10

Directed by Tibor Takács [Other horror films: The Gate (1987), I, Madman (1989), The Gate II: Trespassers (1990), Mansquito (2005), Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep (2006), Ice Spiders (2007), Mega Snake (2007), Spiders 3D (2013), Bunks (2013)]

While Rats isn’t a good movie, it is a movie that could have been decent. If the plot had been tightened up a bit, and the special effects improved on, it might have been something that was sort of special.

As it is, I have some minor history with this film. Like movies such as Webs, How to Make a Monster, and Piñata: Survival Island, I saw Rats when I was rather young in life, so it does have a bit of a special place in my heart. That doesn’t save the movie – the poor special effects can’t be defended – but I can admit to enjoying this a smidge more because of my past with it.

Also, the story isn’t that bad. A female journalist goes undercover at a private psychiatric hospital to work on a story, and a guy who telepathically communicates with rats tries to hold back a massive rat attack. Okay, well, the first part of the movie (undercover at a mental institution) was a solid idea, in a Nellie Bly-type way. Admittedly, it goes off the rails once the giant rat comes in, but to all good things there must come an end.

The special effects are pretty horrendous. The 3D rats looked, as the kids say, quite shit, and they never really look good at any point. Even during a personal favorite scene in the film (and one that stuck with me the most from my childhood viewing of this movie), in which rats attack people locked up in isolation rooms, straight-jackets and all, show the rats entering the room with some of the worst special effects imaginable.

Sara Downing made a pretty decent lead. She occasionally reminded me of A.J. Cook, and that’s never a bad thing. Ron Perlman (Desperation, The Last Winter, and I Sell the Dead), an actor I can’t stand usually, is pretty tame and tolerable here. Denise Dowse’s character half the time was atrocious, but I liked her performance. On the more generic side, we have Bailey Chase, Michael Zelniker, and Michael Hagerty. The only performance I actively didn’t like was Zelniker’s, but that’s more due to his character than anything else.

Not to be confused with Rats (2000), The Rats (2002), or Rats: Night of Terror (1984), Rats isn’t terrible if you just want someone comfortable to snuggle up with, but if you’re looking for someone to hang onto for the rest of your life, I doubt Rats could do that for you.

5.5/10

Directed by Richard Casey [Other horror films: Horror House on Highway 6 (2014)]

Horror House on Highway Five is a movie I’ve wanted to see for a long time. I never deluded myself that it’d be a good movie, but it’s still something I wanted to scratch off my list for years, and I can say now that I have seen it, and unsurprisingly, I was disappointed.

Which is sort of amusing, because the film is more ambitious than I would have thought, but it’s in that ambition that it lost me. See, all I knew about this film was that there was a killer in a Richard Nixon mask and he terrorized some college kids.

What I didn’t know is that this Nixon-masked killer isn’t the only killer – there’s two other antagonists who kidnap people as part of some unspecified sacrifice, and there’s also some stuff dealing with a Nazi scientist who came to the USA. It’s also moderately comedic, which is something else I wasn’t clear on.

Look, if the film had been just a single guy in a Nixon mask going around and killing college kids, it might have been uninspired, but at least it’s a plot I can get behind. What this movie had was just too out there – I don’t know why they decided to deal with a Nazi scientist, some brothers who were ineffectual half the time, and brain parasites (?) that may or may not be a delusion of one of the characters. It just complicated things unnecessarily.

So with the bizarre plot out of the way, it’s time to talk about what few performances did something for me. Max Manthey was occasionally amusing. Michael Castagnolia worked okay with Susan Leslie, and Irene Cagen could dance with the best of them.

There are some funny scenes here, of course. A man and woman driving by encounter the Nixon-masked killer, leading to some great lines, from ‘Is he giving me the fingeroo?’ to ‘he sure is a big motha.’ It’s partially the delivery, partially the dialogue, but it’s funny. There’s also Gary’s (Max Manthey) dance, which reminded me of Crispin Glover’s classy dance in Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter. There’s also a character who finds a dead cat in the back of their van, and the other character there literally doesn’t seem concerned at all. It’s just wacky.

I can imagine in some situations Horror House on Highway Five can be a fun movie to watch, but most of those situations involve drugs and alcohol. It can be funny, yes, but personally, that’s not enough, and while I sort of dug the final scenes, this isn’t a movie I particularly enjoyed, and though I’m happy I finally saw it, I can’t say it’s really worth seeing unless you’re into bizarre and possibly drug-influenced movies.

5/10

Directed by William Grefé [Other horror films: Sting of Death (1966), Death Curse of Tartu (1966), Stanley (1972), Impulse (1974), Mako: The Jaws of Death (1976)]

Aside from some nice scenery and a rather disturbing rape sequence, Whiskey Mountain doesn’t really have a lot to offer. It’s an okay backwoods exploitation movie, but it’s rather short on the horror aspects, and I don’t know if the action during the end is really enough to boost this movie up.

It does look nice, though. Apparently filmed in North Carolina (at least according to IMDb, and who knows how accurate that is), the scenery is quite beautiful. We got a lot of shots of the mountain and the forests, lakes and rivers, and it looks quite peaceful, aside from the murdering and raping pot dealers and corrupt police force, but that’s just how it’s done in south, apparently.

If Whiskey Mountain tells you anything, it’s that we should just go ahead and legalize marijauna nationwide. We should have done it back in the 1950’s. If we did, then there would be no need for the marijuana growers in this film to take four people captive, as it could just legally be grown and sold. That’s what anti-marijuana laws get you, alas.

Seriously, though, Whiskey Mountain is a movie that I wish I liked more, and in fact, I did like more when I first saw it. It’s quite possible, though, that I was just so stoked to see it way back when I did (I’m pretty sure when I first saw this, Whiskey Mountain had under 60 votes on IMDb – now it has 265 and is widely available on Tubi), and didn’t pay attention to the actual movie. It’s even more likely that was in October, a month when I watch so many movies, it’s not always easy to get an honest and accurate reading on them in the moment.

The problem here is two-fold: for one, it’s a bit slow throughout, and when things to start going in a more action-oriented direction, I can’t say it’s the most exciting stuff (save for the motorcycle jump – that was pretty cool), and two, while I have no problem calling Whiskey Mountain horror, the horror elements are quite scarce. They pop up in a scene or two, but it’s by no means a strong part of the film.

Of course, it is always nice to see Christopher George (Grizzly, Day of the Animals, City of the Living Dead, Graduation Day, Pieces, and Mortuary), and he does well here, as do the other three central stars, being Preston Pierce, Linda Borgeson, and Roberta Collins. John Davis Chandler (Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead and Mako: The Jaws of Death) made for a solid antagonist, though I wish he had a better resolution.

They’re not the only stars, though. Y’all know Charlie Daniels, I’m betting. Well, the Charlie Daniels Band did the theme for this film, surprisingly titled “Whiskey Mountain.” It pops up during one of the scenic portions at the beginning, and again during the credits, and it’s not a bad song. Not as catchy as “The Legend of Wooley Swamp” or “The Devil Went Down to Georgia,” but then again, what is?

If there’s one thing that people are apt to remember about Whiskey Mountain, it would be the rape sequence. Mercifully, we don’t actually see anything, but what we do see is haunting in it’s own way. Pictures are being taken of the two women – polaroids that we see darken – and as the screams continue in the background, we see more pictures – forced kissing, then the women in their underwear, and then just a face in pain. The morning after the rapes is haunting too, and this whole sequence is probably the most striking in a movie that’s otherwise quite tame.

Whiskey Mountain is a movie that I wish I got more out of, but life doesn’t always give us those gifts. It’s not a bad movie for seeing motorcycles, mountains, and men with guns, but if you want some really good southern hospitality, check out Hunter’s Blood.

5.5/10

Directed by Larry Stewart [Other horror films: N/A] & Peter Crane [Other horror films: N/A]

This is one of those bigger 80’s slashers that I’ve long heard about but never took the time to watch until now. I didn’t know much going into this one, and come the finale, I did find The Initiation pretty close to top-notch.

Plot-wise, the movie is sort of interesting. A lot of films that deal with teenagers or college kids staying someplace overnight (be it One Dark Night, Chopping Mall, or Hide and Go Shriek) would have the individuals get there early on, and most of the movie would take place there. In this case, it’s not until halfway through the film, following character introductions and some plot set-up, that we even see the mall where this sorority prank will take place.

On this sidenote, I have to briefly pause from the movie and reiterate my distaste of fraternities and sororities. This film wasn’t near as bad as movies like Pledge Night or Final Exam, because the prank here was relatively harmless (though it was illegal, so here’s a case of a sorority pushing their pledges to actively break the law – great sisterhood rolls eyes), and there was one character who saw how foolish the whole thing was (kudos to Paula Knowles’ speech), so it’s still tolerable in The Initiation’s case, but boy, do I despise the concept of sororities and fraternities.

Back to the movie, though, I’ll admit that I didn’t see the finale coming. I was of two minds as to how the film could end, and one of my ideas was somewhat shot about halfway through the film. I’m not sure if I particularly love how they chose to end the film, but there were enough hints throughout, and as much as I might have preferred the way I would have concluded it, this ending makes more sense.

Daphne Zuniga (The Dorm That Dripped Blood and The Fly II) made for a pretty likable lead, and I thought she did well. Vera Miles (Psycho), who played her mother, was quite unlikable, and I couldn’t stand her for a single moment, possessing that ‘Karen’ vibe, so she did a good job with a detestable human. Clu Gulager (Hunter’s Blood, A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2: Freddy’s Revenge, and The Return of the Living Dead) didn’t appear all that often, but it is always nice to see a familiar face.

Others did pretty well also. James Read was my favorite character of the movie, though he did get testy with another of my favorites, played by Joy Jones (in her sole role). Patti Heider played one of the most ill-fitted characters I’ve ever seen to have a job involving the mentally ill, and the other two central sorority pledges, played by Hunter Tylo (credited as Deborah Morehart) and Marilyn Kagan, did well also, especially Kagen, who played another rather likable character.

None of the kills are absolutely amazing, but we did get some fun ones, such as an archery kill, a throat-slitting, an off-screen decapitation (but the silhouettes were nice), some cultivator action (it’s that garden tool with claws – you learn some new things every day), and lastly, a surprise appearance by a harpoon gun. None of these deaths are overly gruesome, but all are of decent quality.

If I’m being honest, I didn’t expect to enjoy The Initiation as much as I did. It’s a pretty fun slasher, and though I have some minor qualms regarding the finale, it’s certainly a movie that slasher fans may want to check out.

8/10

Directed by Nathan Schiff [Other horror films: Weasels Rip My Flesh (1979), The Long Island Cannibal Massacre (1980)]

Among the most repulsive films I’ve witnessed, They Don’t Cut the Grass Anymore is somewhat of a classic, in my eyes. The gore effects here, while often looking exceptionally fake, are absolutely gruesome, and if you want an extreme movie, this is one you have to see.

The plot here is pretty much non-existent. Two southern gardeners in a well-to-do northern community kill and mutilate people. And that’s it. It’s 70 minutes of these two gardeners killing and mutilating people, occasionally taking time off to go to the movies to watch other people kill and mutilate. It’s a good time.

Nathan Schiff is a director I’ve long respected for this movie alone. I’ve not seen his other films (most well-known ones including The Long Island Cannibal Massacre and Weasels Rip My Flesh), but I saw They Don’t Cut the Grass Anymore a long time ago, and while I never loved it, it stuck with me, because the gore effects are simply as tasteless as one could imagine.

I won’t spend much time talking about the gore – you have to see the movie for yourself. I can tell you that if you want to see people’s legs and arms cut off with chainsaws and handsaws, then They Don’t Cut the Grass Anymore is your movie. If you want to see intestines pulled out of peoples’ stomachs and vaginas and then beat to an unrecognizable pulp, They Don’t Cut the Grass Anymore is your movie. And if you want to see faces ripped and torn up, all the way to the bone, with the jaws ripped off and the tongues ripped out, their eyes squeezed from their sockets (and they always made a point of squishing them in their hands), then I need only repeat myself once more:

They Don’t Cut the Grass Anymore is your movie.

The dialogue is often quite flat and stale, but it’s also some of the most hilarious stuff I’ve ever heard. From the weak and utterly without emotion “Please don’t rape me,” to the way these two women get out of captivity – wait, no, I need to explain this scene in detail.

See, two women have been captured by the maniac gardeners, but luckily, one of the women is a psychiatrist. She knows how to deal with the mentally disturbed (“You are in great need of psychiatric help”), and will use those skills to get out of the situation. So when one of the men comes in, she asks him to grab her mirror and look at himself. Once he does, and he looks into the mirror, she says, her tone helpful, “Look, look how fucking ugly you are. You’re a disgrace.”

I lol’d. A lot.

Or when two cops are discussing a murder – they’re standing over a body (we don’t see the body – we don’t see an inkling of a body – but it’s apparently there), and one of the cops is quite negative when considering the killers, thinking that the boxcars happened 40 years too soon (referring to the Holocaust). The other cop says they still need to solve the crime, and the cop replies “Fuck that, I’m going home to listen to my Billie Holiday tape.”

I lol’d. A lot. It’s funnier because these cops literally never show up again. They were in this single scene that had zero relevance, and that’s it.

Another point here – we get some musical numbers. One is a song that is played on the radio that these two women are listening to. The song, sung by a woman, is about how stupid she [the singer] is, and the catchy chorus goes “That’s why he calls me Dumb Dumb Yummy Yummy Dumb Dumb.” I couldn’t make that up if I tried.

Also, toward the end of the film, the killers are laying back and relaxing, one of them strumming a guitar, the other playing a harmonica. And they sing for us, and here’s the whole song:

“We came up here from Texas / But it didn’t work out for us / We met a lot of fine people / But they ain’t around no more / We were professional gardeners / But it got to be a bore / So seek some new adventure / Cause we don’t cut the grass no more.”

Genius.

Oh, and I forgot one of my favorite lines in the movie. While a woman is attempting to defend herself, and beating on one of the gardeners (played by John Smihula, who does beautifully), the gardener says “Keep this up, bitch. There’s going to be a lot of irate neighbors complaining about their uncut lawns.”

I lol’d.

This movie is a mess, and it’s not a good movie, but it can be quite an amusing movie if you’re into low-budget, ultra-gory films. They Don’t Cut the Grass Anymore is something special, and while I can’t honestly give it a high rating, I can say that it’s a treat in many ways.

6/10