Hellraiser: Judgment (2018)

Directed by Gary J. Tunnicliffe [Other horror films: Within the Rock (1996)]

I’ve been curious about Hellraiser: Judgment ever since it came out. After Revelations, I was hoping the series could get back on track, and after watching the trailer to this one, I thought it had some potential. Well, I have some serious problems with Hellraiser: Judgment, but at the very least, I do think it’s mildly better than the previous entry, albeit not by a lot.

This doesn’t start out well, though, as I absolutely abhorred the first 12 or so minutes. In that time, we see Pinhead speaking to a character called the Auditor, which was fine (though I’d have liked some context as to who or what the Auditor was), and a man being lured to a house.

Once the man gets to the house, he meets the Auditor, who asks him questions about the man’s sins. Once those sins are written down, the man is sent to the Assessor (who looks completely human, on a side-note). The Assessor has a bottle of children’s tears, and combines that with the papers of the man’s sins, and eats them. He then throws the combination up into a pipe. That pipe leads down to the Jury. The Jury are three naked women with messed up faces who spread the vomit over their bodies to render a verdict. Once that verdit is rendered, the man is sent to the Butcher and the Surgeon (the Butcher a big, hulking hombre, and the Surgeon someone in a body-tight leather suit), who then do what they do best.

The whole thing feels like some dark, disturbing fantasy. As someone who doesn’t care for dark fantasy, I hated it. It reminded me of The School, in that it was trying to be as grimy and dirty as possible, and it came across as trying too hard. We get no information during this process – why is the Assessor the only human here? Is he human? Why are the Jury three nude women? Are they women? Why is the Butcher carrying around the Surgeon? Can the Surgeon walk?

We don’t get an answer to any of those questions. Not just during the first 12 minutes, but during the whole of the film. We never learn what these things are. Wikipedia says that they’re the Stygian Inquisition, which is a separate group from the Cenobites. Now, the movie never once mentions the word “Stygian” or “Inquisition,” so I have no idea if that’s accurate. If that’s the case, it would have been great if they mentioned that somewhere, because from my view, having a Hellraiser movie with only minimal Cenobite action, replacing that with random judgy things, doesn’t do much for me.

The reason I’m focused so much on this is because it had to be among one of the most unpleasant beginnings to a film I’ve seen in recent times, rivaling The Rage. During that time, I was thinking that if the movie continued on in that vein, I’d have absolutely no problem saying that Revelations is a better movie.

In fact, a good case could be made that while Judgment is certainly a better film insofar as budget is concerned, it’s a worse Hellraiser film than Revelations. Keep in mind, the focus of this film aren’t the Cenobites, it’s the Auditor. The movie doesn’t say what the Auditor is, but it’s clear that he and the process he follows has little to do with Pinhead, who seems to be an advisor (?) more than anything else. We do see a few other Cenobites, such as Chatterer (for brief moments) and some conjoined women, but we never get much of any of these, save Pinhead toward the end of the film.

Story-wise, I generally liked this one. It follows two detectives (who are also brothers) as they attempt to locate a religious serial killer. Throw in another detective, who is investigating, in part, one of the brothers, and the film feels almost like Se7en at times. I know some have complained about the procedural feel this sometimes has, but in truth, it never bothered me, and there’s a twist toward the end that I thought was actually decent.

Damon Carney (The Harrowing) and Randy Wayne (The Fun Park, Scar, Escape Room, The 13th Alley, Ghost Town, Hold Your Breath) made for somewhat believable brothers. I sort of expected more from Wayne’s character, but Carney was solid. Alexandra Harris (All Light Will End) appeared for a bit, but honestly didn’t stand out that well.

Playing Pinhead was Paul T. Taylor (Shifter), who did decently (though he was certainly no Doug Bradley). Director Gary J. Tunnicliffe himself plays the Auditor. Shame that this fact doesn’t give any more insight into his character. Lastly, playing an angel (I guess) is Helena Grace Donald.

I certainly don’t want to sound ungrateful, as I appreciated that Judgment tried to expand the mythos of Hellraiser. We have some ambitious, theological elements toward the finale, and I actually sort of liked that. I just wish they did a better job of explaining some of what we were seeing, such as the Auditor and his group’s relation to the Cenobites. The ending, too, was sort of unexpected, as Pinhead apparently went too far in his role.

Although I did want to touch on Pinhead, because again, I don’t think his character was done correctly. It’s my understanding that Pinhead is not a malevolent entity. In Hellbound, he stated that “It’s not hands that call us, but desire,” after a character was forced to open the box. In this film, two characters are forced to open the box at gunpoint, and Pinhead takes them anyway. I just don’t care for the more malicious characterization that Pinhead’s gotten in the last couple of movies, and I find it more interesting when he and the Cenobites are amoral as opposed to immoral.

Judgment’s a problematic movie. I was hoping that I’d like it a lot more than I ended up doing, but that doesn’t mean it’s not an improvement over Revelations. However, I can certainly understand why someone might prefer Revelations, if I’m being honest. Judgment was okay, but I really think if some things were cleaned up a bit, it could have possibly great. As it is, though, it’s nowhere close.

5/10

Office Uprising (2018)

Directed by Lin Oeding [Other horror films: N/A]

I need to preface this review with something personal – I’m writing this on January 20th, 2023. God knows when it’ll be posted, but that’s when this is being written. My mother died December 30th, 2022, and this is the first horror film I’ve seen since her death. I wanted to say that as to frame this review in proper context.

With that depressing sentiment out of the way, I can say that Office Uprising is a movie I had mild hope for – it has a decent score on IMDb (5.7/10 with 17,700 votes), and I thought that was optimistic. Unfortunately, more than anything, I found this a rather generic experience, and I’d be flat-out flabbergasted if I ever get the urge to sit through this again.

Not that Office Uprising is a particularly bad movie. It’s just generic. Think Zombieland, or perhaps even Cooties, with less soul. Zombie comedies aren’t easy to master, and I’m not the biggest zombie fan anyway, so this really isn’t my cup of tea. I can say that I was able to watch this alongside a friend on Discord, so at least that helped a bit.

The movie does look nice. There’s a definite sign of high production value behind this. There was even a scene transition that I found somewhat cool. Sadly, though, if a movie doesn’t feel as though it has soul, these positive aspects don’t lend a whole lot to the overall product. And I’m not saying that those involved didn’t put their hearts into this, of course – I can’t know that. I can just say that the story here felt generic and lifeless, with dashes of ridiculousness (that robot suit groan), and it wasn’t my vibe.

Brenton Thwaites (Ghosts of War, Oculus, along with playing Dick Grayson in Titans) didn’t do much for me. I mean, his character wasn’t bad, but it just felt, again, generic. His love interest, played by Jane Levy (Don’t Breathe, Evil Dead) didn’t really have that much of interest to do, and the pacifist character played by Karan Soni (Creep 2, Corporate Animals) just felt like an overlong gag.

A few others did make an impression, though, such as Zachary Levi (Blood Fest), who had some amusing lines (such as his dialogue about the correct usages of both “i.e.” and “e.g.”), and generally had a decent presence, along with Ian Harding, who appeared only a few times, but was okay. Gregg Henry (Bates Motel, Just Before Dawn) felt somewhat lifeless, Kurt Fuller (The Wolves of Savin Hill) felt pointless, and Sam Daly, despite being the son of a personal favorite (Tim Daly), didn’t add much either.

As far as the special effects go, they were fine, in an overly-stylized and Hollywood way. Honestly, while I didn’t find The Belko Experiment great, if you want a horror film of quality that takes place in an office building, I’d likely point people that way. Still, the effects here were okay, but it’s a zombie comedy – someone crushes a soda can and turns it into a ninja-star type thing, and decapitates someone with it. It’s just too silly for me, and even when it wasn’t, too stylized.

Oh, and another thing I didn’t dig at all – these zombies. Because when I say ‘zombies,’ I don’t mean the walking dead people might expect from 28 Days Later…, Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, or The Plague of the Zombies. Those infected here have increased rage (and strength, of course), but are capable of holding conversations, harboring grudges, and retaining other personality traits that you’d associate with, well, people with personality. These zombies are far too human-like and coordinated for me, which I couldn’t get into whatsoever.

For plenty of reasons, Office Uprising didn’t hold up it’s end of the bargain. A few scenes entertained me, a few pieces of dialogue were amusing, but in general, I was woefully unimpressed with a lot of this, and while Office Uprising might work for some people, as far as a zombie comedy goes, I can think of plenty of other films I’d prefer to spend time with, and while I don’t have a strong view on the Stegosaurus, I have a feeling examining their bones would be of more interest than watching this one again.

5/10

Nightmare Shark (2018)

Directed by Griff Furst [Other horror films: I Am Omega (2007), Wolvesbayne (2009), 30 Days to Die (2009), Lake Placid 3 (2010), Maskerade (2011), Swamp Shark (2011), Arachnoquake (2012), Ghost Shark (2013), Ragin Cajun Redneck Gators (2013), Starve (2014), Cold Moon (2016), Trailer Park Shark (2017)] & Nathan Furst [Other horror films: N/A]

This might be one of the most innovative Syfy originals I’ve seen in the last ten years. Nightmare Shark isn’t a great film, I hate to say, but it is the exact type of bold step the channel might want to consider taking, as this was a delight to see.

And that’s not something I can say for a lot of modern-day Syfy originals, especially their shark-themed ones. It’s a breath of fresh air – well, mildly fresh, because Nightmare Shark isn’t exactly original (as it borrows quite a bit from A Nightmare on Elm Street), but compared to the rest of their shark input, it’s good stuff.

Here’s a big part of why I appreciate the film, though – it brought back characters from two previous Syfy shark films, Atomic Shark and Trailer Park Shark. From Atomic Shark, Kaplan (Bobby Campo) and Gina (Rachele Brooke Smith) are back, and from Trailer Park Shark, we get Rob (Thomas Ian Nicholas) and Jolene (Lulu Jovovich). While there’s not much focus on their past adventures save a reference (a character runs into news articles about the events from both movies), it’s nice to have the same characters come back in this format.

It’s especially interesting, because we get to see what the impact of surviving one of these ridiculous shark attacks might look like. Thomas Ian Nicholas’ Rob was a pretty decent character in Trailer Park Shark, but he’s angry here, emotionally broken, and Lulu Jovovich’s Jolene (who honestly didn’t do much in Trailer Park Shark) had to really pull most of the weight. Gina and Kaplan seem largely unchanged (I would have liked to know if Gina got her degree in environmental sciences yet), but still, great to see them back.

And the situation itself is fun. Because of nightmares all of them have been having dealing with involving water and sharks, they agree to a drug trial run by Tony Amendola’s character in a remote cabin. It’s not an ingenious set-up, but get this – it may be a Syfy shark movie, but there’s no beach, no lifeguards, no drunken shenanigans on the water – and that’s a nice feeling, as those get so damn tiresome. Throw in the possibility that Amendola’s character may not be on the level, and you have a fun time.

Caroline Cole made a decent lead, and she was a strong character, but as she’s not someone from a previous film, I can’t say she stood out as much as others. Tony Amendola was surprisingly decent in his role, and of the four returning characters, I think it’s a surprising Lulu Jovovich who did the best. To be sure, it was great seeing Rachele Brooke Smith back in action, and the same could be said of Bobby Campo, but Jovovich did well for a character that didn’t impress me much in Trailer Park Shark.

None of the dream sequences are particularly noteworthy, aside from perhaps the sequences that takes place in a barren collection of dunes, which looked sort of cool (and once giant fins started popping up, sort of goofy). The dreams are pretty typical – walking out a door and then find you’re hanging off a cliff, or a parody of Freddy’s attack in a bathtub, only with a shark – but none are that bad, and unlike Trailer Park Shark, this movie isn’t particularly trying to be goofy or funny, and I appreciated the somewhat dark vibe.

If I could have fixed anything, it would have been the final scene, which is a bit inconclusive. I sort of liked it early on, because it seemed like it might be a subversion of the type of ending the audiences have come to expect, but the final shot itself just wasn’t something I was fond of.

That said, I did quite like the whole idea behind why the antagonist was doing what the antagonist was doing – it was really insane, but sort of corny fun, and I just dug it, even if the special effects behind the evil shark god were a little suspect.

I didn’t really like either Atomic Shark or Trailer Park Shark, so to bring back characters from both of those films (films which aren’t tonally consistent with this one at all) and change up the format was a fantastic idea, and it’s this type of idea that perhaps Syfy should experiment with in the future, because while Nightmare Shark isn’t a good movie, it was leagues above many of their other originals in recent times.

6.5/10

The School (2018)

Directed by Storm Ashwood [Other horror films: N/A]

Maybe I’m becoming quite bitter and cynical in my old age (27 is now old age, alas), because I found very little in this Australian film to be worth it. Maybe it’s just my mood, but this struck me as utterly abysmal, and if I rate it above a 0/10, that should be seen as a mercy.

From the very first time I heard about this one, I was expecting to dislike it. When I started the movie, it only took a minute for my preconceptions to be confirmed, because the film starts with a woman waking up in a bathtub in a dark and ominous room. I said aloud, “She’s dead, I’m calling it.” Well, she wasn’t dead, but I was still pretty close to being entirely correct, as it’s revealed an hour into the movie that she had slit her wrists, and it revealed this as though it wasn’t obvious from the very beginning of the fucking movie.

Maybe that’s just a small thing. In truth, it’s not as though this movie couldn’t have been okay, in a dark-fantasy-dealing-with-grief type way. Perhaps that’s even what they were aiming for, and the story of the obvious purgatory could have been one that at least held some mild interest. Instead, I just got a headache, what with the Hungries, the tribe of dead kids, the dead kids who weren’t in the tribe, the Wall-Walker, and the Weepers. The Weepers were dead bodies, the Hungries were ghosts in pipes or something like that, but it doesn’t matter, because it was all shit.

As always, I give credit where credit is due, and in this instance, I wanted to commend Will McDonald’s performance. I don’t get his character whatsoever, but he was having a fun time, and came across, more often than not, much like Jack Gleeson’s Joffrey – he has that manic, playful energy that suits him. The only other performance I wanted to mention was that of Milly Alcock’s, not that her character got a lot to do, but at least she stood out more than pretty much anyone else, including the central actress (Megan Drury).

It’s also worth mentioning that a rather beautiful song plays during the credits, titled “Better in the Dark” (which may be sung by Australian musician Brooke Addamo, also known under the moniker Owl Eyes). I think it was supposed to add emotional resonance to the end of the film, which didn’t work, given the film itself was utter shit, but the song in of itself is quite nice, and unlike The School, pleasing to the senses.

I also wanted to touch on the purgatory setting, which possessed some elements I sort of liked (such as some underground stream-type thing). The school is quite dark, dingy, and sometimes spooky at times, but from the very beginning, I got the sense that they tried way too hard. It just felt fake most of the time, as opposed to organically creepy (in a similar way that the dingy house in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre felt too glossy to be authentic). I don’t think that this hurt the film that much (and certainly not as much as the pitiful story), but it was definitely noticeable.

Right now, at the time of this writing, The School sports a 3.9/10 on IMDb (with 610 votes), and I can understand that, though I think it’s actually worse. Of course, I can sometimes be a dick, but that’s what comes with watching a lot of films, some of which turn out to be quite terrible (immediately coming to mind are films like I Think We’re Alone Now and Toyko Stay Home Massacre). In a better mindframe, maybe a movie like this would work better, but I can only be honest, and say that I rather hated this one.

1.5/10

Camp Hideaway Massacre (2018)

Directed by Skip Bizr [Other horror films: N/A] & Ted Moehring [Other horror films: Bloodbath in the House of Knives (2010), Invasion of the Reptoids (2011), Camp Blood 666 (2016), Revenge of the Devil Bat (2020)]

For being a low-budget slasher, Camp Hideaway Massacre is almost okay. It’s not a good movie, but it was close to passable. The main problem, though, was that the film was so repetitive, and while occasionally things got shaken up a little, I can’t say I wasn’t somewhat bored (as bored as one can be watching a low-budget film, anyways) at times throughout the movie.

I’m not sure if this was filmed in Pennsylvania (I know the setting definitely is, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it was filmed there), but I do enjoy the lush look the local environment has, and while the campgrounds themselves are rather pathetic, it was still what I know people refer to as nature.

As far as the special effects go, low-budget films always get a bit of a pass from me. Jockstrap Slaughterhouse, for instance, had horrible effects, but had a lot of heart. This film has okay effects – one of the decapitations looked a bit weak – and the kills were mostly fine, so I don’t have too much to complain about there.

The issue is the story, though, in which new people get to the campground, and are killed shortly thereafter, rinse and repeat. We go through a lot of characters, and in fact, somewhat interestingly, the main characters could really be the killers (primarily Gutrot Layton and his posse) as opposed to any one victim (the best choice would be Tina Krause, who actually appears for more than a handful of scenes), but that doesn’t really help the overall narrative structure.

Probably as one can imagine, the acting is mostly poor. I noticed that, looking through the cast, it looks like characters who were mother and daughter in the film were played by actual mothers and daughters, which I thought was cool (and certainly shows a strong localized production). Not that, of course, either of these pairs (Jessica and Haley Dittrich along with Danielle and Kanyon Fassler) had much of a chance to shine, but it is nice to see.

Tina Krause is a big name in lower-budget horror, having been in quite a few films (such as Female Mercenaries on Zombie Island and Dead Students Society), and while I’ve not personally seen her in anything until now, she did well. She also had a lengthy shower scene, so no complaints there. I think, aside from her, John Young was probably the best performance, but Gutrot Layton (and I sort of doubt, on a side-note, that’s his real name) had some charm too.

The dialogue was pretty awful at times, and like I said earlier, the largest issue was the repetitive nature of the story. None of that makes Camp Hideaway Massacre awful, and for a lower-budget movie, I definitely think that, in some aspects, they did well (such as most of the kills and skirting on an interesting story), and if it had been cleaned up a little, I think this could have been more a contender than what I thought it ended up being. Right now, though, I don’t think it’s that great.

5.5/10

Killer High (2018)

Directed by Jem Garrard [Other horror films: N/A]

Back in 2012, Syfy had an original movie called Haunted High (which was later retitled Ghostquake, because that’s so much better), and it was terrible. I mean, in some ways, it was okay, but the point is, it wasn’t a great time. So when I marked this to record to my DVR, given this is also a Syfy original, I was expecting something much in the same vein.

However, surprisingly, I had a really good time with this.

I didn’t know that it’d be a horror-comedy when I started watching this, and if I had, I’d have probably gone in with even lower expectations, but the humor here was actually pretty good (and in fact, the “rabid Snuffleupagus” line had me cracking up so much, I had to pause the movie), and I found myself laughing plenty of times. The freeze-frames were probably used once too often, but for the most part, this was a movie that knew what it was doing, and I think it showed in the script (“I don’t need your help. I have God to protect me,” followed up by, “Oh, that’s a really bad choice,” was an exchange that caused more laughter).

What really helps is that the main character, played by Kacey Rohl, is one of those annoying, overachieving types who was in every high school organization possible, and she’s in charge of the ten-year high school reunion. Rohl’s character easily could have been unlikable (and she had her moments), but it turns out that she didn’t go to college – she stayed in her dying town (and I do mean dying – the town doesn’t even have a police station) to care for her sick mother, and all she has to really look back on was her success in high school while everyone else is succeeding around her, such as her old rival, played by Humberly González, who has been around the world.

Really, this is a movie with more feeling than you’d expect. Make no mistake, most of it’s a silly monster movie with a giant warthog goring people, if it’s not eating people, that is, but there’s still some emotion, such as the tender moments between Asha Bromfield and Varun Saranga (Neverknock), or the scene in which everyone’s favorite teacher, played by Linda Goranson, comes to the reunion in a wheelchair after suffering a stroke. There are nice moments here, which is good to see, especially as I have absolutely no plans to attend my ten-year reunion. Though if a killer warthog were on the loose, I might reconsider.

Kacey Rohl is a name I don’t know, but she just did fantastic. I can’t really fault her character for being petty to high school rivals, because that’s really all she has – for ten years, she’s been in a dying town, dreaming of planning the perfect reunion, and this happens. I’ll admit I never loved González’s character, but she did grow on me. Both Bromfield and Saranga were good (especially Saranga), and I wish they had a happier ending then what they did. Jonathan Langdon mostly fell flat for me, but he did have that hilarious Snuffleupagus line, so points for that.

Killer High isn’t a particularly gory movie (though the aftermath of the main slaughter was pretty nice), nor did it boast the best effects (the warthog was pretty simple, but it had it’s charm to it), but it was a surprisingly fun ride, with occasionally moving moments and an interesting story to it’s killer warthog. It was a fun movie, and definitely one I’d give another go. It over-uses a few elements, and the finale isn’t quite that strong, but it’s a surprisingly strong film.

7.5/10

Tales from the Hood 2 (2018)

Directed by Rusty Cundieff [Other horror films: Tales from the Hood (1995), Mr. Malevolent (2018), Tales from the Hood 3 (2020)] & Darin Scott [Other horror films: Dark House (2009), American Horror House (2012), Something Wicked (2014), Deep Blue Sea 2 (2018), Mr. Malevolent (2018), Tales from the Hood 3 (2020)]

I rather liked the first Tales from the Hood, and in fact, I think it’s probably one of the best horror anthologies of the 1990’s (in truth, competition isn’t that strong). This, though, is rather laughable, and has almost no redeeming attributes. At almost an hour and 50 minutes long, with a pitiful framing sequence, this is just hard to get through.

Comprising of four stories (‘Good Golly’, ‘The Medium’, ‘Date Night’, and ‘The Sacrifice’) and the aforementioned atrocious framing (‘Robo Hell’), only one of these is possibly worth watching, being ‘The Sacrifice’ which is easily the most political and also most reminiscence of the first movie (taking an element or two from ‘KKK Comeuppance’). It’s a bit heavy-handed, what with a black Republican being forced to change his ways by the ghosts of Emmett Till, Medgar Evers, Chanay, Goodman, Schwerner, and, of course, Martin Luther King Jr., but at least it was somewhat interesting, especially with the brief alternate history had those listed not made the sacrifices for the Civil Rights movement they had.

I’m not saying ‘The Sacrifice’ is great, but it is leagues above anything else in this movie. ‘Good Golly’ honestly started out fine, but really quickly went down an utterly idiotic and regrettable route. ‘The Medium’ was entirely generic, and ‘Date Night’ was actively bad.

As a matter of fact, not only was ‘Date Night’ bad (though not near as poor as ‘Good Golly’), it had, what seemed to be, a rather glaring error in it. Two men drug some women with the intent to rape them, and of course, they plan to record it. However, when looking through the viewfinder, they can’t see the women – they’re vampires. All fine so far, but then the women make a video for the men, and – – – the women appear just fine on camera now?

What?

Yeah, it didn’t make any sense. It didn’t make the story worse, as it was already terribly generic, but it was beyond pathetic, which can be said of ‘Robo Hell’, the framing story, in which a racist law-and-order guy wants a story-teller to tell stories to a Robocop-esque robot, so it can properly track down ‘criminals’ and take them out. It’s very fascist, very obviously wrong (I despise conservatives and what they stand for, but very few are as obviously terrible as this guy is), and when the ending comes, it would amaze me if anyone was surprised.

I’m not going to bother about harping on the performances. Some people were fine, such as Lou Beatty Jr.. Others were somewhat pathetic, such as Alexandria DeBerry and Bill Martin Williams. Keith David was no Clarence Williams III. The problem here wasn’t the performances, though, as bad as some of them were – it was the piss-poor stories.

And it’s not like they didn’t have potential. It’s pretty clear from the final product that they had some money and the ability to get some really good camerawork here. I mean, you can’t tell from the opening graphics (which looked utterly terrible, and I can’t even begin to describe how much it made me laugh), and the fact that they briefly showed House on Haunted Hill (public domain for the win, right?) in one of the segments, which never bodes well, but the movie wasn’t near as cheap as other poor horror films.

Which is the most damning thing of all. I’m not going to say this was as bad as Late Fee, which is probably one of the worst anthology horror movies I’ve seen. I will say, though, that it’s a worse movie than Slices, because at least Slices was dealing with a next-to-nothing budget, and it showed. Here, there was clearly a crisp and solid-looking production. It suffered, though, due to the terribly shitty stories, and overall, this just feels like a mockery of the first Tales from the Hood as opposed to a good-faith continuation, which, given the director of the original also worked with this one, is just amazing.

3/10

Snake Outta Compton (2018)

Directed by Hank Braxtan [Other horror films: Evil Deeds 2 (2010, segment ‘The Hebrew Hacker’), Blood Effects (2011), Chemical Peel (2014), Unnatural (2015)]

To quote N.W.A, you are now about to witness the strength of snake knowledge. I’m not trying to mock N.W.A. – that’s how the film starts out.

I know what I was expecting with this one. A bad movie, certainly, but an interesting mixture of generic rappers versus a bunch of snakes. What I wasn’t expecting was a parody film, which is quite a bit of what Snake Outta Compton is, and boy, is it a hard movie to watch.

The snake looked terrible (and yes, it was just a single snake as opposed to a nest), but that really plays no part in just how bad this movie is. I don’t know what was worse – the character Vurkel (a parody of Urkle from Family Matters, complete with the glasses and suspenders) or the characters Denz and Ethan (rip-offs from the 1999 Training Day, starring, you guessed it, Denzel Washington and Ethan Hawke). Or the rap battle against the snake.

Yeah, this movie went places that weren’t locations much worthy of a visit.

There are a few meager things about this I liked, though not enough to boast this above the atrocious rating it’s going to get. For one, a few of the rap lines here were decent, my favorite being ‘cold-blooded showman like Frosty the Snowman’, and another one made reference to Godzilla, Mothra, and Ghidorah. Also, Arielle Brachfeld, who played a white girl who did everything possible to act black and thug, was sort of funny. Her character was pretty terrible, but she had heart, and was about the only character (and I do mean only) that was worth anything.

Otherwise, this movie is really cringy. Why they chose a twenty year old action movie to parody, I have no damn idea, but it doesn’t work at all, and the movie was just as terrible as a movie could be. Vurkel’s character arc was awful (by the end, he becomes a part-snake superhero, because of course he does), and overall, this movie was just painful to watch.

I was really hoping for something else when I marked this to record on my DVR. Like I said, I wasn’t expecting anything stellar, but I definitely didn’t see a parody coming, and boy, was this an utter disappointment, almost entirely void of worth. Not something I’d recommend unless you’re high as fuck and want a good time. I wasn’t, and thus, no good time to be had.

1.5/10

6-Headed Shark Attack (2018)

Directed by Mark Atkins [Other horror films: Evil Eyes (2004), Halloween Night (2006), Haunting of Winchester House (2009), Sand Sharks (2012), Alien Origin (2012), Knight of the Dead (2013), A Perfect Vacation (2015), Planet of the Sharks (2016), Empire of the Sharks (2017)]

I think that this is probably the second-worst entry into the [Insert random number here]-Headed Shark series, which is a shame, because as the second film (3-Headed Shark Attack) showed, these movies could almost get sort of close to okay. Here, though, there was little to really watch for.

Are some of the characters okay? Not really. Pretty much, every character here is either generic or disappointingly portrayed. The hippie couple (Chris Fisher and Megan Oberholzer) could have been great, but like everyone else, they just got on my nerves. The one outlier was Jonathan Pienaar, who was so serious (yet over-the-top), he cracked me up. And Nikita Faber was quite attractive, so there’s that.

Also, did you know sharks could walk? Well, they can if they have six heads, because four of the heads can be used as legs, because that works well. The CGI looks great, guys, I promise.

I really don’t know why Syfy bothers with these types of films, but then again, I watched all four of the movies (if they make another one, though, I can’t promise I’ll see it), so what do I know? Pretty pitiful, and were it not for a few okay characters or small bikinis, this wouldn’t be getting the already bad score it is.

3/10

Cherokee Creek (2018)

Directed by Todd Jenkins [Other horror films: N/A]

Sometimes my reviews can go a bit longer than they really need to. For some films, I think it’s worth examining much of the film, from performances to the special effects, and at times, maybe it’s a bit much. I’ll try not to make the same error with Cherokee Creek, though, and the only point I really need to make clear is just how utterly unenjoyable I found this piece of trash.

I honestly thought the film was a joke at first – to me, the film felt so bad, they had to know it was bad, and there was going to be some early reveal about how it was a movie-in-a-movie type situation or something. Alas, that’s not what happens, and the movie kept going and going with these jokes that don’t even approach amusing.

Cherokee Creek is an hour and 56 minutes. We don’t get about any Bigfoot action until about an hour and ten minutes in, and unfortunately, it’s far, far, far, far, far too late to make any positive difference. It’s true that for a lower-budget film, the special effects are good, but damn it, by the time they show up, I wish I were dead already multiple times over. The nudity might have helped out if I was quite a bit younger, but it didn’t do anything for me here. None of the characters were remotely likable, and few of the performances were decent.

If the film had been shorter, the movie still would have been bad, but I will say that, had it been only an hour, the film definitely would have been more digestible and wouldn’t have gotten nearly as low a score. There was an ultra low budget film I saw some time ago called What Happens in the Mountains – Should Stay in the Mountains, a movie that was 40 minutes long and doesn’t even have an IMDb page. That film knew what it was, kept things short, and despite the lower-budget, rather amused me at times.

Cherokee Creek did nothing of the sort. I think I laughed once toward the beginning (with the foul-mouthed old woman), but that was about it.

The movie opens with two of the actors pointing guns at the camera commending the audience for watching the film (providing they paid for it), and went on to comment that if the audience didn’t pay for the film (or pirating it, which is the only way I’d recommend watching this), they’d need to buy it after finishing the film because of how good we’d undeniably find it.

I didn’t pay for this. Luckily, it was uploaded on one of the many streaming sites I use, which is a good thing, as this movie was complete and utter trash. Maybe in the future, I can find the words to explain why, but for now, after having just finished it, I don’t much feel like spending more time on this.

0.5/10

This is one of the films covered on Fight Evil’s podcast. If you’re interested in checking out Chucky (@ChuckyFE) and I discussing this one, check it out below.