Category: 2000’s

Directed by Amir Valinia [Other horror films: Dream Home (2006), Mutants (2008), Alligator X (2010)]

Well, this movie is pretty terrible. On the upside, it’s not a long movie, but on the other hand, it’s still at least an hour and ten minutes, and it’s certainly not one of the better giant snake movies I’ve seen in my time.

Apparently, Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent (which is, I guess, at least a memorable title) was later re-released under the rather generic name Carnivorous, but no matter which title you see it under, it’s not a particularly worthwhile film, and unless you really like DMX, it’s not something I’d say is worth is.

I do have at least one story that’s almost amusing about Lockjaw, though. I first saw this film a long-ass time ago off Syfy (and it very possibly might have still been called Sci-Fi when I watched it), and I noticed on my DVR, the recording was only an hour and a half. I’m guessing that most people know when you record a movie off Syfy, most of them are two hours (what with commercials and all), and so I thought that the recording messed up, and I was missing the rest of the movie.

Well, that wasn’t the case. The finale to this film is was just so damn sudden, and doesn’t really feel like the finale. It’s not like it comes out of nowhere, but it also doesn’t seem satisfactory whatsoever. I’m happy I didn’t need to try and find this elsewhere back then to finish it, but whenever I think of this movie, I remember that it’s only around 72 minutes, with something like nine minutes of credits.

As for the story, it’s sort of like Pumpkinhead. A bunch of kids accidentally kill this guy’s wife, and he gets revenge on them via a voodoo alligator/snake hybrid, and only with the help of rapper DMX can these kids survive. As I bet you can imagine, Pumpkinhead is a decidedly better movie.

I didn’t really like any of the performances. I guess that both Lauren Fain and Wes Brown have their moments, but neither character is great. Louis Herthum (Be Afraid) felt somewhat weak, DMX felt somewhat generic, and Caleb Michaelson has no character traits outside of being an asshole.

Honestly, I don’t think the opening is too bad, being a scene where two kids (Brendan Aguillard and Abby Rao) break into the house of a voodoo guy and steal the Kulev box from him. I think it’s a decent scene, if only because the two kids work pretty well with each other (and their adult counterparts just don’t have that same chemistry). It’s a small thing to praise, but never say I’m not merciful.

With some horrible CGI (which can’t be a surprise) and lackluster kills (one of the least satisfactory decapitations I’ve seen in my life), not to mention an incredibly awful finale, Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent just isn’t a movie that’s really worth it, and I can’t think of a good reason to seek this out at all.

3/10

Directed by George Huang [Other horror films: N/A]

So this is one of those films that’s oddly special to me. How to Make a Monster isn’t that good of a film, but I’ve seen it quite a few times, and I definitely enjoy it. It’s partly the story, partly the performances, and partly the fun. No matter where it’s derived from, I really enjoy this one.

A remake-in-name-only of a pretty decent 1958 film, this film follows a bunch of video game designers being killed off by a monster they were hired to create for a game. That’s partly where the title, How to Make a Monster, plays into the film, and with some low-budget special effects and a rather shoddy looking game, it’s as campy and perhaps horrible as you might think.

The story is a bit janky, but you know what? I don’t care. I never did. The only real issue I have with the film is the conclusion, and that’s just because I don’t like Clea DuVall’s character arc. Even though I don’t care for it, though, it also plays well into the title of the film, and shows how damaging the capitalist system can be on humanity (technically, the movie is talking about greed, but as greed is what capitalism is based on, it works out).

There’s a lot of performances here that I love. I’m a big fan of Clea DuVall – in films like Ten Inch Hero and But I’m a Cheerleader, she’s a lot of fun – and I think it started with this movie. She’s such a sweet and kind character here, and though I don’t like where her story went, she’s just great. You have Karim Prince (“The name is Sol. As in Solomon. As in the King That Is Wise”), who plays a fantastically fun and arrogant character. And then there’s Tyler Mane (Sabretooth from X-Men), who is literally Hardcore and quite quotable (“Scary is as scary does”).

Those were always the three that impressed me most, but that’s not to say that the others didn’t #BringIt, as the yooths say (My Cousin Vinny reference FTW). Jason Marsden got a few emotional scenes into the mix, Steven Culp (who appeared in The West Wing a handful of times) had some strong scenes, Colleen Camp (Clue) got destroyed at the end, and for some nudity, we have Julie Strain, playing herself.

While there is some blood and gore here, most of it is either downplayed or implied. There are some dismembered limbs and a decapitated head, but it’s definitely not a gory film. The monster, based off the video game the characters were designing, does look pretty cool, especially when it comes to life and adds pieces of the people it kills (my favorite touches are the metal jaws, the viking helmet, and the Baoding balls it has in it’s eye sockets).

I’ve always dug this. I saw it when I was quite young (if I had to guess, between 9 and 11 years old), and it’s always entertained me, which is all you can ask of a movie. Sure, it’s not necessarily a good movie, but at the same time, it’s definitely above average, and I’m glad to own this one on DVD.

7.5/10

Directed by Stacy Davidson [Other horror films: Domain of the Damned (2007)]

I wasn’t impressed with Sweatshop the first time I saw it. Aside from the gore, it has nothing going for it. Seeing it again, well, I pretty much feel the same, and though I do think a bit more highly of it (Sweatshop has some really solid gore effects), I still don’t think it’s a particularly good movie.

Primarily this is due to the plot and characters. I don’t even have anything against the spirit of the plot, to be honest. It’s bare-bones, but that doesn’t matter near as much as the fact that there are no likable characters. Like, none. Literally zero. Some people might not care, as that means you can see people dispatched with gory glory and not shed a tear, but I still like to have someone to root for, and there was no one you could really do that for in this movie.

Also, I would have liked some backstory on the killers. There’s three or so – one is a huge, hulking hombre who wears a welder’s mask and carries around what I’ll call a hammer (it’s not a hammer, but I literally have no idea what it is, and so I’ll just refer to it as a hammer, as the poster does), and also some demons. I mean, they’re probably not demons. They’re disfigured women who act exactly like the possessed from The Evil Dead, so I’m guessing off-screen, someone read the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis.

I just wanted something. Even some half-assed scene where one of the characters finds a newspaper clipping about a giant kidnapping two girls 25 years ago would have been something. But we don’t get any explanation at all about the nature of these killers. If it was just the huge, hulking guy, I probably wouldn’t care that much, but adding in some supernatural elements with the demon girls demands some type of explanation, and it bothers me they didn’t even try.

As for the performances, well, given that none of the characters are likable, it’s not easy for individuals to stand out. Some did, of course, but I’ll preface this by saying their characters were mostly horrible. It’s Peyton Wetzel who made the biggest impression on me, and that’s largely because he looks very similar to Jensen Ackles’ character in Ten Inch Hero (among one of my favorite non-horror films). Naika Malveaux looked cool, Danielle Jones looked cute in glasses, and Brent Himes played a redneck with perfection. Melanie Donihoo was also okay.

It’s not the plot, characters, or performances that anyone is coming to Sweatshop for. It’s the gore. And for a lower-budget film, the gore is damn good. For a little taste, you have a couple of decapitations, people smashed with the hammer-thing, some impalement, a glowstick in the eye, some fingers cut off (one by one), and some legs being smashed with aforementioned hammer-thing. I think the best piece of gore here is someone’s jaw being ripped off. It showed great detail, and it doesn’t look fun.

There’s also a bit of a massacre at the finale. See, the primary group of characters were setting up for a rave party-thing, and the party does indeed occur. There’s another guest, though, being the hulking hombre, and so much like Jason introducing himself to the teens in Freddy vs. Jason, the hulking hombre (who is referred to as The Beast, but that doesn’t seem strong enough), just absolutely massacres them. A lot of great gore just in that scene alone, and it’s a good time.

Obviously, there’s a lot about Sweatshop I don’t like, and great gore can only do so much to improve the film’s disposition. If you want to see great gore, though, give Sweatshop a watch. If you want memorable characters or an interesting take on the horror genre (à la You Might Be the Killer or Hush), then look elsewhere.

6/10

Directed by Brent Maddock [Other horror films: N/A]

While not as strong a sequel as Aftershocks was, the third film in the Tremors series is okay. It definitely feels more average than either of the previous films, but there are some strong portions also, and is still worth seeing if you’re a Graboid fan.

Personally, I loved seeing Perfection again, with old faces (Charlotte Stewart, Ariana Richards, Tony Genaro, and Robert Jayne) and references (to Nestor, Rhonda, and of course the picture of Walter Chang). The setting of Mexico was fine in Aftershocks, but it’s great to be back to where it all started, and to bring back so many of the classic faces.

It’s certainly a cheaper movie, but I don’t think that really does much harm. The special effects are as decent and gooey as ever (that scene in which Burt is cut out of the graboid is just slimy af, as the kids say), and the design for the new creature in the cycle (appropriately labeled Ass Blasters) is decent, though it’s not too far removed from the Shriekers.

Of course, Michael Gross coming back as Burt is a big win. Honestly, he’s not as memorable here as he has been in previous films, and doesn’t have any quips that come to mind as the first and second movies provided, but he’s still that anti-government right-wing gun-nut you know and love, and Gross does beautifully with it.

I liked Susan Chuang, and I thought her Jodi made a good new character, but I have to say that Shawn Christian was more on the generic side. I guess that Christian is okay, but I sort of wish they used Grady (Chris Gartin) from the second movie instead of throwing another new character in. Still, he did okay, but I don’t think he’s near as memorable as Kevin Bacon or Chris Gartin.

Others who are worth mentioning have mostly been mentioned. Reprising their roles from the first film are Charlotte Stewart (Nancy) and Ariana Richards (Mindy), and you know what, I’m surprised they used the same actress for Mindy. It’s just really nice seeing as many returning faces as we got, especially since Tony Genaro (Migeul) got more screen time. What they did to Robert Jayne (Melvin) was an interesting choice, but not everything can be on the side of angels.

I also enjoyed the ending to this one. Being stuck in a junkyard and having to defend yourself with makeshift weapons, I always thought that was a fun situation. Much like the first two movies, I saw this one when I was a kid, and I always got such a kick out of the finale, not to mention seeing the unfortunate and ironic demise of Burt’s home.

For as cheap as Tremors 3 is, it’s still Tremors done largely right. I enjoyed the character additions for the most part, and though I don’t think it’s near as strong as the second movie (I would have loved a quick Fred Ward cameo), it’s still a lot of fun, and I personally dig it.

7.5/10

Directed by Brian Thomson [Other horror films: N/A]

With a title like Bachelor Party in the Bungalow of the Damned, you’d hope the film would be more fun. Honestly, it’s not a terrible attempt with whatever budget they happened to possess, but the comedy here isn’t entirely to my taste, and I just found the film a bit rough and occasionally tedious.

The central story isn’t too bad, at least for a film of this caliber. And sure, there are some funny lines and a few okay scenes here and there. The credits can be pretty hilarious (I love the random “fuck you,” they give to George W. Bush for killing habeas corpus), and in fact might be the most consistently amusing thing about the film (“based on a true story. Not loosely, either; ask my brother-in-law”), because otherwise, this just felt too long-winded.

I did like Gregg Aaron Greenberg as the lead. Really, no other performances aside from maybe Joe Testa made any impression. Trina Analee got some funny lines, and Joseph Riker had his moments, but when it comes to the best performance, I’d have to give it to Greenberg.

The special effects weren’t bad (and that scene in which a character removes a splinter slowly was pretty gnarly), but so many of the scenes were dark and really limiting in what exactly you could see. Whether that was intentional or not, I don’t know, but it was pretty consistent throughout, and just added to the rough feel of the film.

Bachelor Party in the Bungalow of the Damned is a film I wish I liked a bit more, because I do think they tried as best they could. I just didn’t dig the story, and the comedy at times was a bit too goofy for me. I remember when I first saw this one, I felt pretty much the same, so though I do adore the title, and I think it was a decent attempt, it’s not personally a movie for me.

4.5/10

Directed by Jeff Crook [Other horror films: N/A] & Josh Crook [Other horror films: Demon Hole (2017)]

In many ways, Salvage is a tragic film. It’s a movie that has potential, but despite some good ideas, I just don’t know if it’s worth it, and I definitely think the finale could have been done better.

Ambitious in some ways, especially with the twist to the story, I can appreciate Salvage for what it’s attempting to go for. It’s perhaps the type of movie that, after you’re finished watching it, you might want to read some theories online and try to make sense of it. In truth, it’s not that complicated, but it is somewhat confusing, because I just felt there wasn’t a clear enough answer given at the conclusion.

I think Lauren Currie Lewis did well with the role, especially for an individual who doesn’t have that much acting experience. Chris Ferry’s (Rise of the Dead) character never really got that much character, but he looked threatening when he was peeling faces off, so that’s not such a bad thing. Cody Darbe was occasionally amusing, but boy, was he a bad boyfriend.

Really, having seen this film once before (though I admit, it has been at least eight years, if not longer), I was hoping that the time away would allow me to come into this one fresh, and enjoy it just a bit more, or at least enough to see the uniqueness of the film’s answers. And I do sort of like what the film’s finale was going for, but I just don’t think it was executed as well as it could have been.

Salvage isn’t an easy movie for me to dislike, because I keep wanting to give credit to the film’s explanation of a Groundhog Day-esque situation, but so much of the film feels disjointed and dream-like (for the last third of the film, I was assuming all of it was a dream, which isn’t correct, but it’s also not incorrect, because that’s how we roll brahs) that it’s hard to really enjoy. 

Look, Salvage isn’t terrible. I don’t think it’s necessarily good, but it’s not terrible. I think it’s a movie that had more ambitions than they could really succeed in, but maybe if I watch this a third time, with the ending in mind going in, maybe it’ll do more for me.

5.5/10

Directed by Frank Zagarino [Other horror films: N/A]

The last time I saw this one, which was also the first time, it was on the now-defunct Chiller channel. Occasionally Chiller played decent films, but Spiker shouldn’t be confused with one of those, and is really quite a poor film.

In this film’s defense, the kills aren’t bad. The killer uses railroad spikes (hence being known as the ‘Spiker’), and he stabs people through the throat, in the back, in the head, all that fine stuff. He’s also gifted at spike-throwing, and manages to throw quite well from a good distance and impale people from afar, which would make a quality addition to the Summer Olympics.

As far as positive elements go, if I’m being honest, that’s about it.

The story here just isn’t good. I get the sense that maybe there’s supposed to be a bit more to it (they make a little deal out of the fact one of the girls looks just like her aunt, and I’m guessing that she was supposed to be the daughter of the Spiker, but they just didn’t want to film it or something). The plot is just generic and weak with little going for it.

Of the six main teens (Giselle Rodriguez, Matt Jared, Ginger Kroll, Josh Folan, Elena Tover, and Adam Shonkwiler), the only performance I actually liked was Tover’s. She was sort of the generic spiritual, goth-ish girl, but she at least had personality, which was far better than the lead, Rodriguez, who I admit I thought was actively bad. Frank Zagarino (who also directed this film) looked unique, but I can’t say he’s that memorable, and the groundskeeper, played by David ‘Shark’ Fralick (Uncle Sam) was okay, I guess, if it was his idea to play a character that was functionally pointless.

In fact, the whole ending was somewhat pointless, and if you think you’re watching a movie that’s going to have any type of normal conclusion or closure of any type, boy, are you in for a fun time. Spiker’s ending was somewhat ballsy, as I don’t know many directors who’d want to end a film in such a shitty manner. Maybe if it had been executed differently, it could have worked, but the way they did it here just seemed more than a little lacking.

Spiker isn’t a film I have fond recollections of from the first time I saw it, and seeing it again, I can fairly say this movie isn’t good. At the time of this writing, it sports a 2.4/10 (with 459 votes), and though I don’t think it’s that bad, I get why many do. It’s not a good movie, and I’d not personally recommend it.

4.5/10

Directed by J.R. Bookwalter [Other horror films: The Dead Next Door (1989), Robot Ninja (1989), Zombie Cop (1991), Kingdom of the Vampire (1991), Shock Cinema Vol. 3 (1991), Shock Cinema Vol. 4 (1991), Ozone (1993), The Sandman (1995), Polymorph (1996), Witchouse II: Blood Coven (2000), Witchouse 3: Demon Fire (2001)]

Originally titled Deadly Stingers, Mega Scorpions (which isn’t near as interesting a title, in my opinion) is classy early 2000’s creature feature fun. It’s far from a good movie, but if you enjoy films such as Spiders, Python, Glass Trap, and King Cobra, you may well enjoy this.

Of course, the special effects are pretty horrible, especially the giant 3D ants, which truly look awful. And yet, I can’t help but postulate that they still look better than post-2010 Syfy efforts (Lavalantula, 2-Headed Shark Attack, those types of things). I mean, it’s no doubt shitty, but this was from 2003, so it’s almost charming, whereas later films don’t have near as much an excuse.

It’s also worth mentioning that Deadly Stingers had some unique story arcs. Some characters that I would have bet would have lasted longer died somewhat early on, and though this movie is really no better than any number of generic giant insects go wild films from the time period, I did appreciate how it almost had an air of unpredictability, or at least more unpredictability than you’d expect from a movie of this caliber.

The cast here was pretty fun all around. True, some of the performances didn’t shine (such as Sewell Whitney, Marcella Laasch, John Henry Richardson, and Stephen O’Mahoney), but then you have decent performances from Nicolas Read, Sarah Megan White (who had horrible delivery, but her character grew on me), and a personal favorite Trent Haaga (of Slices and Bonnie & Clyde vs. Dracula). There was even a one-hit wonder in the form of a short scene with Ariauna Albright, who I know as one of the leads in Bloodletting.

Now as you can imagine, portions of the story are flimsy, and with the special effects being a general failure, this is one of those movies that a large swath of people, even horror fans, would likely not seek out. I will give mild credit to a sequence in which an autopsy is done on a giant scorpion in order to remove it’s venom sacks – that scene was #gnarly.

I did have more fun with this movie than I suspect many would. That doesn’t mean I think the movie’s good, of course, but if I’m being fair, I do think, especially for the type of movie it is, that it’s watchable, and I think that it’s one I’d be okay watching again.

6.5/10