Category: Reviews

Directed by Gary Jones [Other horror films: Mosquito (1994), Spiders (2000), Crocodile 2: Death Swamp (2002), Ghouls (2008), Boogeyman 3 (2008), Lightning Strikes (2009), Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan (2013)]

This film has always been a low-key guilty pleasure. I don’t think it’s a good movie, and it’s definitely not as fun rewatching as I’d hope it would be, but I’ve always had an okay time with it, and that has to count for something.

Many of the films I see coming from The Asylum are abysmal, but they sometimes get something close to right. The idea here – a pirate coming back from the dead to get revenge on the descendants of those who betrayed him – is at least worthwhile. It’s similar to The Fog, though with nowhere near the same level of class, charm, or atmosphere.

Actually, a better comparison might be Leprechaun, because like Leprechaun’s titular character, Jolly Roger is after not only revenge, and the heads of those who betrayed him, but the gold that was stolen from him. He also gets some one-liners every now and again, such as “Swab the decks in hell” and other pirate-themed humor like that.

Speaking of which, that joke that everyone knows about pirate-themed movies being rated arrgh – it’s in the opening scene of the movie, so check one for bad jokes brahs.

It’s not a terribly funny movie, though. There are some amusing sequences – such as Jolly Roger’s escapades in a strip joint (once informed they don’t have a license to sell liquor, he exclaims “I”ve never heard such an atrocity” and demanded to speak to the governor of the colony) and the mayor (played by Pamela Munro) attacking him – but overall, it can seem a bit dry, despite taking place in the coastal community of Cutter’s Cove.

I can’t say many of the performances were great. The two leads, Tom Nagel (The Beast of Bray Road, Hillside Cannibals, and The Butcher) and Kristina Korn, were okay, but neither one stellar. Thomas Downey (Frankenstein Reborn, Dracula’s Curse, Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan, and Sorority Party Massacre) was pretty generic, but Kim Little (Killers, Killers 2: The Beast, and Scarecrow Slayer) was decent. Jolly Roger was played by Rhett Giles (Way of the Vampire, Wraiths of Roanoke, The Fear Chamber, and Frankenstein Reborn), and he did pretty well. Also, while not a big role, I wanted to say I did like Megan Lee Ethridge (Alien Abduction) during the opening.

Most of the kills here are pretty terrible, as are the special effects, but at the very least, there was a guy who had his arm ripped off, and he was beaten to death with it, which has to count for something, I imagine. Overall, most of the kills are decapitations, one with a musket, and not many of them look that great.

Really, with a title like Jolly Roger: Massacre at Cutter’s Cove, the movie should have been a lot more fun. As it is, I’ve seen it a handful of times before, perhaps as many as three, and I’ve always enjoyed it for what it is. It’s not a movie I’d call good, but I do think, at least for me, it settles somewhere around average.

7/10

Directed by William Collins [Other horror films: N/A]

While I wouldn’t call KILD TV a stellar film, I will say that it exceeded my expectations, and ended up being a decently fun movie.

The current rating (disclaimer: this review was written on October 29th, 2021) this film has on IMDb, with 258 votes, is 3.9/10, and that’s just a disgrace. KILD TV may not be overly original, but the plot is sort of fun, and the mystery here is moderately engaging. The gore isn’t great, but it’s also not bad, so I don’t know what people were expecting from the movie to give the film such a low rating.

Taking place overnight at a broadcasting station, the film follows the crew of a local Svengali-type program as they’re killed off one-by-one by a mysterious killer. Like I said, it may not be original, but most of the important characters are decent, and the idea that, when they go on air begging for people to call the police, and the audience thinks it’s part of the program, was a nice touch.

None of the kills are overly memorable, though I did like this one individual who got crushed between two vehicles, and there was another fellow who met a grisly end from a boxcutter. I think KILD TV is more about the story and the mystery of the killer than the gore, but for what they have, it’s not that bad.

I think my biggest detractor is the finale of the film. I don’t mind who the killer turns out to be, but I always hated endings where a character was acting completely normal up to a point, and then, once revealed as the killer, becomes insanely manic. It bugged me in Urban Legend, for instance, and it bugged me a bit here. Otherwise, I did appreciate how they didn’t do some last-second scare – such as the killer opening their eyes and then cutting to the credits – which might be faint praise, but praise nonetheless.

Easily the best performance here is from D.C. Douglas (Isle of the Dead, Deadwater, Killers 2: The Beast, and Aquarium of the Dead), who played the late night Svengali-like host, Dr. Perseco. He was as corny and hammy on-screen as you’d expect from those personalities (reminding me of Trent Haaga in Slices), but outside of character, he was great too. More than anyone else, he tried to keep a calm head and figure out who the killer was, looked for clues, and insisted the group stick together. An all-around great character, Douglas was great here.

Other than Douglas, I don’t know if too many performances stand out. Grace Johnston (Bloodlines) started out a bit shaky, but she grew on me. Jared Doreck (Backstabber) had a fun stoner personality, but didn’t do a whole lot. Others, such as Heather Williams, face the same fate. Astrea Campbell-Cobb has strong and weak moments, and though it took a while, Dan Braverman (The Hours Till Daylight) turned into a pretty solid character.

One thing I wanted to note – being a late night horror presentation, they show clips of a movie throughout KILD TV, but what surprised me is that the movie they’re showing is real, being a 2013 film titled Conjoined. At first, I thought perhaps Conjoined was also directed by William Collins, who directed this film, but that’s not the case. I suspect it’s because both films were made in Texas, and it’s a way to promote the Texas horror scene, which I can appreciate.

KILD TV isn’t likely to win any awards, but I thought it had decent production value behind it, the story was pretty good, the mystery highly appreciated, and though it’s not a great film, I didn’t think it was half bad at all, and I think if you’re a slasher fan, it may have something to offer you.

7.5/10

Directed by Kirk Alex [Other horror films: N/A]

More than anything, Lunch Meat is a bit of a tedious film. The plot isn’t anything terrible, but the approach is quite dull, and I don’t really think Lunch Meat has a lot going for it.

In fact, the most interesting thing about the film is that, if you search for it on IMDb, it won’t come up. This seems to be because one of the actresses, Ashlyn Gere, later went on to do pornographic films, and maybe IMDb thinks Lunch Meat is one of them. Maybe because it has “meat” in the title. It’s odd, because other films she was in, such as Creepozoids, Dreamaniac, and Evil Laugh, all come up without an issue.

That’s easily the most interesting thing about Lunch Meat, though. The story isn’t bad – imagine if Wrong Turn were made 16 years earlier on a shoe-string budget, and you’d get the picture. A man and his three sons kill people for meat, and six young folks run amok of them. It might sound like an okay film, and it probably could have been under different circumstances, but it just feels so dull.

To be honest, none of the six protagonists (Bob Joseph, Ashlyn Gere, Joe Ricciardella, Marie Ruzicka, Rick Lorentz, and Patricia Christie) really stood out. I guess Ricciardella had some of the better scenes – trying to set traps against those coming after him – but they were all relatively without character and pretty interchangeable. The four cannibal antagonists (Chuck Ellis, Mitch Rogers, Robert Oland, and Elroy Wiese) were a little more interesting, but not much, and certainly none are anywhere close as fun as we get 16 years later in Wrong Turn.

Also, the gore is pretty non-existent. I guess there’s a decapitation somewhat early on, but it’s one of the least memorable decapitations imaginable, and few of the other scenes do much. Someone gets stabbed a lot, a couple of people get a pickaxe through the foot, and someone gets beaten with a stick, but there’s nothing here that would really impress most people.

A movie like Lunch Meat could have been, at the very least, entertaining, but the approach the film takes is so dry, even during the more action-oriented portions. There’s never much in the way of tension or dread, we never really learn much about the characters, and it’s just a rough movie throughout.

5.5/10

Directed by Bruce D. Clark [Other horror films: N/A]

I can’t say that I overall care a lot about Galaxy of Terror, but I do appreciate that it had heart, and while the final product isn’t great, I can dig what they were going for.

Most of the small problems work themselves out. For instance, throwing us headfirst into a strange world with no context and characters with odd names (we have Trantor, Baelon, Cabren, Alluma, Quuhod, Kore, Dameia, Ilvar, Cos, and Ranger) and no real introductions, it can be tough, but after a while, the characters get differentiated nicely, and before long, you can tell a Quuhod from a Dameia in no time.

The larger problem is the conclusion to Galaxy of Terror. It’s unsatisfactory, yes, but more than that, I don’t know how much sense it makes, at least with what I was able to gather. Parts of it, such as the origin of the pyramid, were sort of cool, but other aspects just felt too unexplained.

Aside from the final ten minutes, though, the film is pretty decent. There are some pretty memorable kills: a dismembered arm kills the person it came from with a crystal star, someone has their stomach slit open and is thrown down a rather long chasm, and another poor soul is crushed to death, and it looks like their head explodes. Oh, and there’s also a rather gruesome alien rape scene that I’d rather not think too much about. Truth be told, that’s a scene I could have done without.

The performances were largely solid too. To be honest, I didn’t think too much of Edward Albert (The House Where Evil Dwells, Sea of Fear, Killer Bees, Demon Keeper), but it’s not as though he were a bad lead. It’s just that this film also has Sid Haig (House of 1000 Corpses, A Dead Calling) and Robert Englund (A Nightmare on Elm Street, Kantemir, Eaten Alive), so it’s difficult for Albert to stand out. It could be fairly said that neither Haig nor Englund do much, but I did like’s Haig’s character, as I don’t know many people who live and die by the crystal, and Englund had surprisingly high staying power.

Regardless, those three were among the most memorable, but I also thought Bernard Behrens, Ray Walston (The Stand), Grace Zabriskie and Erin Moran did well. The best of these four would probably be Walston, but I can’t say I loved where his story went, and Behrens was a rather more likable individual.

It’s a shame, really. I went into Galaxy of Terror with the hopes of singing it’s praises. It’s a film I’ve seen before, and I remember it a bit more fondly. I think I probably spaced out toward the end, or perhaps it’s because the movie feels like it should be better. It’s not the earliest space-based horror (even discounting Alien, you have both Planet of the Vampires and It! The Terror from Beyond Space), but it seems to me that it should be one of the funnest, and I just don’t know if it personally hits that level with me.

All-in-all, I didn’t have a bad time revisiting this movie. I really didn’t care for the finale, though, and unfortunately, as okay as the rest of the movie could sometimes be, I think the film falls a bit below average, at least for me.

6/10

Directed by Russell Kern [Other horror films: N/A]

I’m not sure what this mid-80’s obscurity was supposed to be, but if there’s one thing you can say about The Spirits of Jupiter, you have to admit it’s unique.

Reminding me a bit of films like The Crazies and The Carrier, The Spirits of Jupiter deals with the impact that an astrological event has on a small Colorado town. People go crazy – some of it’s harmless, such as lying on your back and riding a bike in the middle of the sidewalk – but most of it results in violence, especially from the police force, who end up shooting everyone on sight.

It’s not an easy movie to describe. There’s a lot of action sequences and chases (be it chases in the air between a helicopter and a plane or ground chases on motorcycle), so it has an action vibe going, but it also has people becoming unstable, resulting in massive death and violence, which is where I’m guessing the horror label comes in. Oh, and let’s not forget this is caused by the gravitational pull of Jupiter or something (they give a six, seven minute explanation of what’s going on about halfway through, but I was already checked out, tbh) which gives the film a science fiction twist.

Here’s the thing – the movie doesn’t have a bad idea or set-up. It’s a mildly interesting idea – a rugged, mine owner has to go into a town full of crazies and rescue his son and daughter – and the action sequences on their own are all pretty solid. In fact, there’s a decent amount of solid scenes in the film.

For instance, the hero early on, who is also a plane pilot, is leaning out of his plane and shooting people, which was hardcore. A police officer pulls over a woman and, upon seeing her license is expired, shoots her in the head. A woman complains to a butcher about the quality of the meat, and gets her hand chopped off. The police lined up a group of people and shot them all down. And let’s not forget the motorcycle chase toward the end.

However, here’s the other thing – this movie is an hour and 47 minutes long. It’s way too damn long, and while some of the sequences are decent, they don’t pop up near enough and, truthfully, they’re probably not worth it anyway. There’s also the matter about some of the comedy – a lot of it comes from Richard Luna’s character, but there’s other characters, such as the manager at the mines (IMDb doesn’t list many credits, and the VHS rip that I saw this in does not lend much clarity to the matter) who just have sort of a slapstick feel. It’s intentional, I’m sure, but it’s not particularly enjoyable.

I admit, I thought Rex Cutter made a nice, rugged lead. He had an occasional John Wayne thing going, which I can appreciate in short bursts. James Aerni was amusing at times, and made an okay antagonist when he bent that way, I guess. Otherwise, given the scant nature of the credits, I’ll just say that few even came close to standing out, aside from Richard Luna as the self-monikered Nostradamus, a character who cared far too much about coffee and not near enough about being sensible.

If you’ve seen The Spirits of Jupiter, and you can excuse the lengthy runtime, you might have had a good time with it. It’s lower-budget, but I certainly don’t think it’s a movie that didn’t try. To be clear, I don’t exactly know what it was trying, but I do know that it tried. It’s not a movie I liked that much – portions were okay, but getting there took so damn long – but if you want something different, and you have a couple of hours to waste, give it a shot.

5.5/10

Directed by Jim Gillespie [Other horror films: D-Tox (2002), Venom (2005)]

Among the many slashers to crop up once Scream re-ignited the subgenre, I Know What You Did Last Summer is among the best. It’s nowhere as good as Scream, but it is a very solid movie, partially due to a combination of the story and the setting.

I’m a sucker for oceans. I’ve never personally seen an ocean, at least in living memory, so I was always fascinated by coastal communities, especially small coastal communities. And since I Know What You Did Last Summer primarily takes place in a tiny coastal community in North Carolina, it had me from hello.

Of course, most people know the plot of this one – four teenagers cause an accidental manslaughter, and once they get rid of the evidence, they make a pact to never bring it up again. Alas, a year later, at the anniversary of the incident, a killer wearing a long, black slicker and wielding a hook, hunts them down.

We know the plot, which is fun enough, but what I didn’t know is that it’s partially based on a novel by Lois Duncan, titled, believe it or not, I Know What You Did Last Summer. It’s a thriller written for young adults as opposed to a slasher (and in fact, Duncan wasn’t happy with the slasher approach to the story the film took), but the main plot is all there, which is somewhat fascinating.

I’ve always loved the design of the fisherman here. The long, black slicker, sticking up so it hides their face, that black hat, that hook – I won’t say it’s a better look than Ghostface, but it is among one of my favorite looks among slasher antagonists, and he wields a hook almost as beautifully as Candyman (albeit with less gore). The setting is great, as we see plenty of water, boats, crabs, fishing nets, as is the atmosphere, and much like the killer’s design, I’ve always loved it.

Though it’s not a gory movie, I Know What You Did Last Summer does have some very solid scenes, the tension perhaps making up for lack of blood. I think the sequence in which Sarah Michelle Gellar’s character is chased is the best, especially the attack behind the tires, just feet away from a bustling parade. That was just fantastically shot. A sequence that has the fisherman creeping into Gellar’s house, causing her to wake up the following morning with a message on her mirror, was quality also. There’s also the finale on the boat – with bodies packed in ice and hooks flying everywhere, worth seeing if nautical nonsense is something you’d wish.

Jennifer Love Hewitt was pretty decent as the more likable character of assholes. To be fair, I don’t think any of the four kids are particularly sympathetic, but Hewitt’s was occasionally the most moral. Freddie Prinze Jr., Sarah Michelle Gellar, and Ryan Phillippe all had their moments, Gellar perhaps being the strongest. Anne Heche (who I know from both Volcano and the Psycho remake) had some good scenes, and I entirely forget Johnny Galecki was in this, which means I haven’t seen this film since I started The Big Bang Theory, which shows exactly how long it’s been.

And it has been years since I’ve seen this, which is one of the reasons I was quite excited to revisit it. Unlike other post-Scream slashers that disappointed me upon rewatches (such as Urban Legend and Valentine), I Know What You Did Last Summer held up pretty well. It’s even better than another of my personal favorites, being Cherry Falls, and is overall a fun and memorable film with a good mystery and well-designed killer.

8/10