Mississippi River Sharks (2017)

Directed by Misty Talley [Other horror films: Zombie Shark (2015), Ozark Sharks (2016), Santa Jaws (2018)]

I’ve seen Mississippi River Sharks once before, and it’s a movie I doubt I’ll watch again. It’s not exactly terrible – while terrible Syfy shark movies do exist, most can usually be entertaining – it just lacks anything that really allows it to stand out. That, coupled with both atrocious CGI sharks and a bothersome character, makes it so this one just isn’t really worth that much.

The story is pretty much like every other atrocious shark movie, only there’s not much here that’s that memorable. Trailer Park Shark was worse than this one, but at least that had character (albeit awful character). Swamp Shark was more stable than this, and Jersey Shore Shark Attack, while still a worse movie, had personality of it’s own. I didn’t really get that sense from this one, and it’s not a Syfy original that I think will be all that memorable.

Naturally, the special effects are terrible. I mean, just terrible. The sharks look shit, the kills are shit, everything is just awful in this movie as far as the effects go. It’s nothing new – when it comes to awful CGI in movies, who do you trust more than Syfy? – but it’d be nice to see Syfy actually try when they make a shark film, as opposed ot make it look as terrible as possible for the lulz, which I imagine has been their business plan since 2-Headed Shark Attack came out.

Cassie Steele (The Dorm) made a fair lead, and reminded me of Jordan Hinson’s character in Ragin Cajun Redneck Gators (only better, as I liked where Steele’s story went). Tahj Vaughans (Backwoods) was largely inoffensive, but didn’t really add that much. On the other hand, Dean J. West, whose character was almost entirely there for ‘comedic effect,’ got real old with his hero worship act of Jason London really quick. London (Sutures, Greed, The Rage: Carrie 2) himself was a bit annoying, playing a generic actor from a string of bad shark movies (sound familiar?), and didn’t work with me.

Others who were at least decent include Miles Doleac (the guy who directed the pretentiously annoying The Dinner Party), Marco St. John, and Jeff Pearson (The Inherited). I wish that Doleac had more to do throughout the movie, but his character was one of the few straight ones. St. John was over-the-top ridiculous, but in a fun way, unlike both London and West. Admittedly, Jeff Pearson’s character never had a lot to do, but his straight-laced nature spoke to me.

Overall, though, Mississippi River Sharks doesn’t have that much to offer. Sure, it’s marginally better than some Syfy shark movies, but it’s still not great, and it doesn’t feel special, or noticeable, in any way whatsoever. Definitely a below average film, and not one that I think I’ll visit a third time.

5/10