Tag: USA

Directed by Sheldon Wilson [Other horror films: Shallow Ground (2004), Kaw (2007), Screamers: The Hunting (2009), Carny (2009), Mothman (2010), Red: Werewolf Hunter (2010), Scarecrow (2013), Shark Killer (2015), The Unspoken (2015), The Hollow (2015), The Night Before Halloween (2016), Neverknock (2017), Stickman (2017), Dead in the Water (2018)]

While Killer Mountain isn’t a particularly good movie, I do have to give it credit for a somewhat unique premise. It’s still not really worth seeing, but if you do take a chance with this, at least you get some mountain action.

There’s not that many horror films that deal with mountain-climbing, so if that’s something you have a hankering for, look no further. There are some moderately suspenseful sequences here, such as a person trying to rescue someone from a helicopter hanging off a 2,000 feet drop, which was fun.

Really, what gives this movie a slightly more interesting feeling is the setting, being the Gangkhar Puensum mountain in Bhutan. To be sure, this wasn’t at all filmed there, but for an in-universe setting, it’s unique, and seeing people trying to climb a snowy peak has a nice adventurous aura to it. It helps that the dragon-like creatures are attempting to consume them, of course.

I can’t say there were many performances that really stood out. I guess that Aaron Douglas (The Monster, Blood: A Butcher’s Tale) made an okay lead. He was at least different from the generic young, pretty guy. Everyone else pretty much had the occasional moment, such as Andrew Airlie, Crystal Lowe (Wrong Turn 2 and Yeti: Curse of the Snow Demon), Paul Campbell (Severed), and Torrance Coombs, but this isn’t a movie to watch for the performances.

To be sure, I don’t think it’s a movie to watch for the dragon-like creatures either, as we’re barely able to make them out. At the same time, that might have been a wise decision, especially if the special effects wouldn’t have been up to snuff, which seems likely based on the few more creature-centrict scenes we did get. There was also a leech-type thing with quite sharp teeth, which looked disturbing, but save for one sequence, these didn’t really appear at all.

Killer Mountain wasn’t a movie I found that remarkable when I first saw it, and it’s only because it takes place on a mountain in Bhutan that I tend to remember the film. It’s not a bad watch, but it’s nowhere near stellar, and I wouldn’t personally go out of my way to see this one a third time.

5.5/10

Directed by Donn Kennedy [Other horror films: N/A]

In many ways, I think Backwoods Bloodbath is an impressive independent film. It’s not great, but it’s a very solid attempt, with some decent humor and a fine enough story.

Filmed entirely in Wisconsin, the film deals with a mysterious creature known as the hodag (which is indeed a real urban legend around the Wisconsin area) and a bunch of college kids having a reunion who run amok of it. It’s simple, but the story has a twist thrown in, so it’s not as straight-forward as it might sound.

What helps a lot is the good sense of humor the film has. There is some legit amusing dialogue in the film, from a guy playing football, telling his buddy “to take a cue from my dick and go long,” to one of the funniest, sports-obsessed guys I’ve seen, played amazingly by Travis Ruhland.

In fact, I think that Travis Ruhland should get a medal. He cracked me up so often in this movie (“WHERE’S MY BRATS?”): how he completely ignored his injured and scared friends to listen to a football game, or how he, naturally, became dejected (“I want to die”) after his team lost. It was good stuff, and I loved him here. Aside from Ruhland, I’d say Angela Lowe and Dwight McMillan were solid. Amy Quinn and Jesse L. Cyr both had their moments, but I didn’t love where Cyr’s story took him, and Quinn really just had one notable moment.

The special effects here weren’t amazing, nor were the kills, but for a lower budget movie, I thought they were perfectly serviceable. They mostly consisted of organs and the like falling out of bodies, but we do see someone’s leg get chopped off, which I thought was playful. I will add that the design for the hodag was solid – wearing a long, black trench coat and holding a hand-held scythe, I thought they did well with it.

I’ve seen Backwoods Bloodbath before, but I didn’t remember a whole lot about it, and aside from some of the funnier pieces of dialogue and scenes, I sense that this will again be the case in a couple of months. Even so, Backwoods Bloodbath did a decent amount right, and given it won an award (the best horror feature in the 2008 New York International Independent Film & Video Festival), I think others saw the potential also.

Look, I don’t think it’s a movie that would wow many people, but it was well done in plenty of aspects, gave some good laughs (while keeping silliness away), and isn’t a bad time, even though it’s not exactly good.

6.5/10

Directed by George Blair [Other horror films: Spook Chasers (1957)]

While primarily a pretty decent movie, I have to say that The Hypnotic Eye occasionally feels as though it’s dragging. There’s some sidesteps the film takes that go on a bit longer than you might hope, and while the main story is good, I think things could have been a bit tighter.

I do adore the main plot, though, which deals with the mysterious disfigurements women have been doing to themselves (such as sticking their faces in a fan blade, or drinking lye, or washing their face in acid), possibly (and most certainly) due to post-hypnotic suggestions given by less-than-scrupulous hypnotists.

In fact, hypnotism, which has been featured in past horror films, such as The Magician and Svengali, probably hasn’t been as terrifying as shown in this film for some time. No doubt, it’s black-and-white, and generally quite tame, but there are a few scenes that are somewhat disturbing, such as one featuring a woman who has been blinded. Actually, the concept sort of reminds me of a far cleaner version of The Wizard of Gore, made ten years later by H.G. Lewis.

Despite enjoying the base plot, what with a police detective investigating the mystery after a personal friend disfigured themselves in a similar manner as 11 others, there’s a decent bit of time that’s spent on material not that engaging. The beat poem was mercifully quick (and yet, it felt much longer), but a good 15 minutes follows a woman around who has been hypnotised, and not that much happens (she goes out, has a nice dinner, dances, listens to poetry, and necks like a wild nymph).

There’s also the whole audience being hypnotized at the end – I don’t doubt that the movie-makers planned for the real-life audience watching the movie to participate also. This consists of examples like “Put your hands in front of you, and interlock your fingers. You can’t pull your hands apart, no matter how hard you try. You try, you’re failing. You can’t.” It’s not just once or twice, but five different versions of the exact same trick are utilized, and it got old long before that. I’m just trying to say I’d have liked more investigation and less audience participation

Joe Patridge was fine as the lead, though he didn’t have quite as much to do as I’d have hoped. Guy Prescott was pretty good also, and I did quite like his warning against hypnotism, as corny as it was, during the final scene of the film. Somewhat amusingly, I don’t think that the hypnotist, played by Jacques Bergerac, stood out that well. I guess he looked the part, but he didn’t really seem to have much in the way of personality. Others were in the same boat, such as Marcia Henderson and Allison Hayes (The Undead, Zombies of Mora Tau, The Disembodied, The Unearthly), who didn’t really peak until the end.

Personally, I remember the film being a little more fun the first time I saw it. Not that it’s a bad movie now, as it can be a reasonably entertaining film, but even at just eighty minutes, it feels as though it drags here and there, which is never a good sign. It’s still fine, but ultimately feels a bit more average than I personally wished it did.

Still, The Hypnotic Eye is still a bit of a treat, if only because early 60’s horror is mostly exemplified by Psycho and miscellaneous Roger Corman and William Castle movies, so this is an okay change of pace, and not a bad way to spend a little time on.

6.5/10

Directed by Griff Furst [Other horror films: I Am Omega (2007), Wolvesbayne (2009), 30 Days to Die (2009), Lake Placid 3 (2010), Maskerade (2011), Swamp Shark (2011), Arachnoquake (2012), Ghost Shark (2013), Ragin Cajun Redneck Gators (2013), Starve (2014), Cold Moon (2016), Trailer Park Shark (2017)] & Nathan Furst [Other horror films: N/A]

This might be one of the most innovative Syfy originals I’ve seen in the last ten years. Nightmare Shark isn’t a great film, I hate to say, but it is the exact type of bold step the channel might want to consider taking, as this was a delight to see.

And that’s not something I can say for a lot of modern-day Syfy originals, especially their shark-themed ones. It’s a breath of fresh air – well, mildly fresh, because Nightmare Shark isn’t exactly original (as it borrows quite a bit from A Nightmare on Elm Street), but compared to the rest of their shark input, it’s good stuff.

Here’s a big part of why I appreciate the film, though – it brought back characters from two previous Syfy shark films, Atomic Shark and Trailer Park Shark. From Atomic Shark, Kaplan (Bobby Campo) and Gina (Rachele Brooke Smith) are back, and from Trailer Park Shark, we get Rob (Thomas Ian Nicholas) and Jolene (Lulu Jovovich). While there’s not much focus on their past adventures save a reference (a character runs into news articles about the events from both movies), it’s nice to have the same characters come back in this format.

It’s especially interesting, because we get to see what the impact of surviving one of these ridiculous shark attacks might look like. Thomas Ian Nicholas’ Rob was a pretty decent character in Trailer Park Shark, but he’s angry here, emotionally broken, and Lulu Jovovich’s Jolene (who honestly didn’t do much in Trailer Park Shark) had to really pull most of the weight. Gina and Kaplan seem largely unchanged (I would have liked to know if Gina got her degree in environmental sciences yet), but still, great to see them back.

And the situation itself is fun. Because of nightmares all of them have been having dealing with involving water and sharks, they agree to a drug trial run by Tony Amendola’s character in a remote cabin. It’s not an ingenious set-up, but get this – it may be a Syfy shark movie, but there’s no beach, no lifeguards, no drunken shenanigans on the water – and that’s a nice feeling, as those get so damn tiresome. Throw in the possibility that Amendola’s character may not be on the level, and you have a fun time.

Caroline Cole made a decent lead, and she was a strong character, but as she’s not someone from a previous film, I can’t say she stood out as much as others. Tony Amendola was surprisingly decent in his role, and of the four returning characters, I think it’s a surprising Lulu Jovovich who did the best. To be sure, it was great seeing Rachele Brooke Smith back in action, and the same could be said of Bobby Campo, but Jovovich did well for a character that didn’t impress me much in Trailer Park Shark.

None of the dream sequences are particularly noteworthy, aside from perhaps the sequences that takes place in a barren collection of dunes, which looked sort of cool (and once giant fins started popping up, sort of goofy). The dreams are pretty typical – walking out a door and then find you’re hanging off a cliff, or a parody of Freddy’s attack in a bathtub, only with a shark – but none are that bad, and unlike Trailer Park Shark, this movie isn’t particularly trying to be goofy or funny, and I appreciated the somewhat dark vibe.

If I could have fixed anything, it would have been the final scene, which is a bit inconclusive. I sort of liked it early on, because it seemed like it might be a subversion of the type of ending the audiences have come to expect, but the final shot itself just wasn’t something I was fond of.

That said, I did quite like the whole idea behind why the antagonist was doing what the antagonist was doing – it was really insane, but sort of corny fun, and I just dug it, even if the special effects behind the evil shark god were a little suspect.

I didn’t really like either Atomic Shark or Trailer Park Shark, so to bring back characters from both of those films (films which aren’t tonally consistent with this one at all) and change up the format was a fantastic idea, and it’s this type of idea that perhaps Syfy should experiment with in the future, because while Nightmare Shark isn’t a good movie, it was leagues above many of their other originals in recent times.

6.5/10

Directed by Griff Furst [Other horror films: I Am Omega (2007), Wolvesbayne (2009), 30 Days to Die (2009), Lake Placid 3 (2010), Maskerade (2011), Swamp Shark (2011), Arachnoquake (2012), Ghost Shark (2013), Ragin Cajun Redneck Gators (2013), Starve (2014), Cold Moon (2016), Nightmare Shark (2018)]

And yet another Syfy original shark film. Trailer Park Shark is a film that I didn’t care much for when I first saw it, because, as you might be able to tell by the title, the movie is a bit silly. I can deal with some levels of humor in my movies, but I just couldn’t get into Trailer Park Shark, and it’s not my idea of a good Syfy effort.

Of course, the right audience might have a different perspective, but personally, I don’t really care to see a bunch of redneck stereotypes fixing things with duct tape, calling each other skanks, and fighting sharks. Well, technically, it’s one shark, but to sweeten the deal, the shark is electric, so that’s fun, right? I just don’t care for the stereotypes they have in the film, and it doesn’t really give me many characters to root for.

The thing I did appreciate about this was the little political element. See, the land the trailer park is on is owned by a Mr. Deconnard (played by Dennis Haskins), and because he wants to drill on the land, he wants the trailer park, and the people, gone. So what does he do? He has the dam blown up, which is how the shark gets there in the first place, and naturally, how the whole trailer park becomes flooded. He did it for money, and I can’t fault a movie for showing capitalism as the negative force it is, so I dug this element.

Otherwise, there wouldn’t be too much to enjoy here. The shark has a few electrical powers – it can send out electrical pulses in the nearby water, which, if it catches someone off guard, will stun them. Apparently this happened because a character early on tried to defend themselves with a powerline, and the shark soaked up the electricity for his own needs, which I guess is what science has been warning us against all along.

There are some really ridiculous elements to the movie, which don’t help matters. I don’t mind a tongue-in-cheek movie every now and again – I liked, and gave a good rating to, Lavalantula. It’s just too much here, from the whole running gag of a horse named Duke (“I’m doing this for my big, brown Dukey” – yes, that was said with a straight face) to one of the characters mocking another named Daisy by singing a clever parody of SpongeBob Squarepants titled “Daisy Skankpants.”

Oh, and someone said there was a shark nearby, and another character said, “The weather report didn’t say anything about tornadoes.” Clever, Syfy, clever. I see what you did there.

Thomas Ian Nicholas was okay, and I thought he had solid moral character. Though he only got a scene at the beginning, we also had Ritchie Montgomery (Ragin Cajun Redneck Gators) here, who was nice to see again. Lulu Jovovich didn’t really impress me, nor did Dennis Haskins, or anyone else. Most of the others played goofy stereotypes, and I couldn’t get into them.

Trailer Park Shark is one of those Syfy movies that I look on with regret. Obviously, the movie would appeal to some people – maybe I’m just not a fun enough guy. It wasn’t my type of comedy, though, and while it’s not as bad as Syfy’s worst shark films (2-Headed Shark Attack and Shark Week, for instance), seeing this twice is enough.

4.5/10

Directed by A.B. Stone [Other horror films: Lake Placid vs. Anaconda (2015)]

And yet another Syfy shark original. More commonly known as Atomic Shark, Saltwater is pretty much the movie you might expect if you’re thinking about sharks that have been infected with atomic radiation.

First off, though, I have no idea why the original title of this is Saltwater. When I first watched this movie, IMDb had Atomic Shark listed as the original title (which makes sense), but sometime after that, they changed it. They list “Saltwater: Atomic Shark ” as a reissued title, but the film itself says “Atomic Shark” on the title screen, and more to the point, what does saltwater have to do with specifically with atomic sharks? I just don’t get it.

To complicate matters, IMDb has a listing for Atomic Shark (2016), a separate movie. Saltwater (2016), on IMDb, is listed as directed by A.B. Stone. Atomic Shark (2016) is listed by director Lisa Palenica. At the time of this writing (October 19th, 2021), Atomic Shark has 296 votes with a 2.7/10, and Saltwater has 696 votes with a 3.6/10. Both films have identical plots, though that’s likely an user error. No idea what’s going on, but Saltwater was the film I watched, and if Atomic Shark is similar, I don’t have an interest in it.

Regardless, the story is rather generic. A bunch of lifeguards on the California coast have to deal with a mysterious shark that’s glowing red, because, as you may have guessed it, it’s been around a lot of atomic radiation. So have a lot of the fish life – burnt, dead fish keep washing up on the shore (and apparently are served at a local restaurant, as there’s a scene in which a food celebrity blows up after having some of the cuisine), which is good fun.

I couldn’t help but think of a couple of other movies when watching this. First that came to mind is, and I don’t think I could have helped this comparison, Toxic Shark. Actually, I’m somewhat sure I first saw both of these films around the same time (October 2017), so that doesn’t help. Toxic Shark has a much more interesting set-up, but has elements I didn’t care for (such as zombies caused from the toxins), and there’s also Malibu Shark Attack, which has the same idea (lifeguards deal with sharks), but I tend to think that one’s more based in reality than what we got here.

Rachele Brooke Smith made for a pretty solid lead, and probably one of the most competent protagonists I’ve seen in a shark movie in a while. Bobby Campo (The Final Destination and Seance: The Summoning) and Jeff Fahey (Psycho III) had their moments also, but pretty much everyone else was insufferable. Mariah Bonner’s (Mask Maker) character was awful, Isaiah LaBorde was awful, Adam Ambruso, again, awful. Jessica Kemejuk reminded me of Chelan Simmons’ character from Malibu Shark Attack (both are terrible lifeguards with other concerns), but unlike Simmons, Kemejuk got virtually no redemption before she was #Eaten (and that’s actually a joke – her character was concerned with becoming viral, and so used terms like “hashtag” and “you jelly” seriously).

None of the special effects were good, but hey, at least we got an atomic shark, so that’s cool. When the shark blows up, there’s a mushroom cloud, which you can probably expect, but the mushroom cloud has the shape of a shark’s jaw and teeth, so that was somewhat stupid. Not surprising, but stupid.

Overall, Saltwater isn’t a great movie, but it’s no worse than a lot of the other mediocre shark movies Syfy churns out, so take that as you will.

6/10

Directed by Jeff Roenning [Other horror films: N/A]

More than anything else, Mother’s Day Massacre is a mess. The story seems all over the place, and while the movie does have relatively strong, or at least palatable, portions, overall, it’s not what I’d call a fun time.

I think the first time I saw this, I was just confused. The story itself isn’t too hard to follow – a teen and his friends look for his mother in an abandoned town, get attacked by two mentally-challenged hillbilly folk, and the ones that make it out get attacked again once the mother of one of the teens, who is also the mother of the two hillbilly folk, strikes out against the teen’s father in revenge for leaving her.

You know how jarring it is to have a typical sequence of teens getting hunted down, losing friends to some crazed killers, fighting for their lives – and getting away? Not just getting away down the street before their car breaks down or something – I mean legit getting away; it went from “let’s get out of here,” to ‘One Week Later.’ That’s something that I’ve almost never seen, and it’s so damn jarring.

I do think it leads to one of the strongest portions of the film, though, when the survivors are trying to get back into the normal vibe of things after the deaths of their friends. It’s a quick sequence, but it’s a nice look at what might happen after such a tragedy. Not many slashers deal with the aftereffects, and I dug that.

Problematically, I didn’t care for anything else about the final twenty minutes. I hated so much about the ending that, thinking about it, I don’t think I can name a single thing I liked, which is pretty impressive. Some of the few decent characters were either killed or mentally incapacitated, and things just end in such a disengaging way. It was just pathetic.

Some of the performances were decent. Heidi Kristoffer was probably the strongest, Emily Grace had some solid scenes (though her character became rather unbearable the longer she lasted, and her last scene was quite awful), and Noah Fleiss could be amusing. Adam Scarimbolo made an okay lead, but I didn’t care much for his character, and playing his father was Greg Travis, who was a bit over-the-top (my favorite scene is when he urinates on his son, because that’s what fathers do, I guess). Worst of all was Mel Gorham – I get it, she was probably aiming to play her character to a goofy, over-emotional level, but I couldn’t stand her for a single second.

There’s a bunch of stuff in the film that just didn’t feel as though it really had a place, such as a couple of characters who rape and sexually assult women under a hypnotherapist’s care, and really a lot of the beginning segments, before the characters reach the abandoned town. Many things near the end were inadvisable too, and as I said, I don’t think any of it was great, and some of the plot choices they made just felt off.

Certainly Mother’s Day Massacre (which, FYI, has nothing to do with Mother’s Day, and aside from the finale, has little to do with mothers either) is unique, and there are a few amusing sequences, but I’ve seen it twice now, and as I said, it feels more a mess than anything else.

4.5/10

Directed by David Hillenbrand [Other horror films: King Cobra (1999), Game Box 1.0 (2004), Transylmania (2009), Grave Secrets (2013)] & Scott Hillenbrand [Other horror films: King Cobra (1999), Game Box 1.0 (2004), Transylmania (2009)]

This movie and I have a history. Known better under the title Piñata: Survival Island (which is how it aired on television), I saw this movie when I was quite young. It’s been a while since I’ve last seen it (understatement of the year), and though it’s a poor movie in many aspects, I find it more tolerable than plenty of more modern terrible films, in no small part due to nostalgic value.

Here’s the thing: I can’t remember if I’ve seen this film once or multiple times. If it was only once, it must have been a remarkably vivid experience, because it’s been around 16 years since I’ve seen it. It’s late 2021 when I’m writing this review – if I saw this past 2006, I’d be deeply surprised. I don’t know if it aired on AMC or Sci-Fi (as it was known as back then), but I know for a fact I saw it back in the day, so revisiting it was just an amazing feel.

The movie sucks. I mean, let’s not lie, brahs. At the time of this writing (10/18/2021), it has a 2.4/10 on IMDb, with 4,222 votes, which should give an indication of how it was received. And it’s certainly easy, when watching the film, to see where such a strong negative reaction is derived from, as Piñata: Survival Island has a lot of problems.

For one, there’s a killer piñata. As soon as you figure that out, it’s hard to improve upon the situation. If you’re wondering why there’s a killer piñata, then I’ve got great news for you: not only does the movie start off with a seven-minute origin of the creature (narrator and all), the story is later told (mercifully edited) by a character later in the film. All that really matters is that the sins of a tribal people were placed into the piñata; what took ten words takes seven minutes, plus an additional three or so later on, to explain, but that’s just the fun of the film.

Believe it or not, the piñata looks terrible. The CGI is as awful as you can imagine. Luckily for us, the creature actually has some different forms. Unluckily for us, these other guises are just as awful as the original one. There’s a giant, clunky piñata – it generally kills people by clubbing them to death with a stick or a shovel. Then it can elongate it’s arms and legs, and look like some hideous creature that moves quicker. Also, for some reason, it can turn into a floating thing with a tail (think Slimer from Ghostbusters, or if you’re a Pokémon fan, think Haunter). It makes sense, because that’s a well-known attribute of piñatas.

Related, we often get a POV of the piñata. It’s generally a red-tinted, triangular vision, and it gets old pretty quick. Most of the time, POV shots are used to increase the tension – look how close the killer is to the next victim – but here, it just feels jarring rather than suspenseful, and it happens a lot. I mean, a lot. I mean, more than you’d ever want, so you better get used to it.

I don’t actually mind the main plot – a group of students are on an island to celebrate Cinco de Mayo with a traditional scavenger hunt. At first, we are given a bunch of characters that are hard to keep straight – we have Kyle, Tina, Doug, Monica, Jake, Julie, Larry, Connie, Doug, Carmen, Bob, and Lisa. Luckily, most of these individuals are handcuffed together early on (it’s a partner-based scavenger hunt, so it makes sense), and that allows an easier identification process, which was a great idea with so many characters.

Of the performances, well, most weren’t great. I appreciated some of them – Garrett Wang (Star Trek: Voyager), Tressa DiFiglia, Casey Fallo (also in a film by the same directors titled King Cobra), Eugene Byrd (Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid and 8 Mile), Jaime Pressly, and Nicholas Brendon (Psycho Beach Party) all did well. I don’t usually give worst performances a mention, but Lara Wickes certainly had her moments here that makes me rethink that.

Few of the kills are worth it – like I said, it’s not uncommon for the piñata to use a stick to beat someone to death, or perhaps strangle someone with vines. There was a rather amusing decapitation, someone got both their leg and arm broken (it wasn’t that violent, but it did look painful), and another got their head split open with a shovel (probably gave the most gore in the film), so it’s not as though we get nothing, but it’s probably not worth it.

If I had seen this for the first time, I can pretty much guarantee it’d get a lower rating, but seeing it again after as long as it’s been, I can’t pretend that it doesn’t impact how I view the film. There’s always been a charm to early 2000’s horror, at least to me – a lot of it might have to do with the fact that’s when I started watching the genre, and so terrible movies from the early 2000’s almost always feel better than terrible movies from anytime after 2005. Maybe that’s not fair, but that’s the Jiggy way.

It’s not true across the board – Killjoy and Seed of Chucky deserve the rating I gave them – but when it comes to movies you might have caught on Sci-Fi back in the early 2000’s (such as 2003’s Webs), it does play a part.

If you don’t have any type of nostalgic connection to Piñata: Survival Island, you probably won’t like the film. And I want to be clear – I don’t like the film. But I did find it a lot more tolerable than more modern-day horror that I hated, so that has to mean something.

5.5/10

Directed by John Shepphird [Other horror films: Chupacabra Terror (2005)]

Ah yes, here we have another classic Syfy movie. Jersey Shore Shark attack is more palatable than efforts such as 2-Headed Shark Attack, but compared to other films, such as Toxic Shark and Malibu Shark Attack, it’s just not good.

I don’t understand the whole Jersey Shore thing. I know there was a popular show about it back in the day, and I’m guessing these characters are based on people in that show (the only name I know is Snooki, or something like that, and this film has a character named Nooki). I don’t understand society – I don’t know how that show was popular, or how most things that are popular have such an attraction to people.

All of that is to say I’ve never seen any episode of Jersey Shore, and more so, I didn’t even know that most of them were Italians. I’ll say that it did lead to a somewhat interesting conflict between some WASP kids and the local Guidos (I have no idea if that’s an offensive term, but they were cheering it at the end of the film, so I’ll just go with it). The conflict doesn’t really lead anywhere, and it’s not really resolved, but at least it was there.

Naturally, the sharks look terrible, and the other special effects aren’t great. The gore is what you might expect, being missing limbs, someone’s ribs getting gnawed on, that type of stuff. I get it – for a shark movie to have stand out gore, I don’t even know what they’d have to do; I just know that Jersey Shore Shark Attack didn’t do it.

They also didn’t do characters that were remotely interesting. Jeremy Luke (playing TC, or The Complication, because when women see his six pack, things get complicated – rolls eyes fuck me) appeared, Melissa Molinaro appeared, Grant Harvey (But Deliver Us from Evil) appeared, and Gabrielle Christian (who looked occasionally like Amanda Bynes) also appeared, but not a one of them was remotely interesting. 

Oh, we also had former NSYNC member Joey Fatone appear playing himself giving a concert. Luckily for everyone, he got eaten by a shark before he could start singing, and as I can’t stand boy bands, I applauded the shark for that.

I’m not saying Jersey Shore Shark Attack can’t be fun in the right situation and the right audience, but watching it alone and sober just isn’t the way to do it. It’s a movie I had to suffer through once, and though it’s a bit  better than the worst you can see on Syfy (the aforementioned 2-Headed Shark Attack, or something like Shark Week), but it’s not near as worth seeing as their better shark attempts.

4.5/10

Directed by Alex Turner [Other horror films: Dead Birds (2004)]

It’s been a good eight years since I’ve seen Red Sands, and I have to say, I was quite looking forward to revisiting this one. I don’t remember it being all that good, but I always thought the plot had potential, and seeing it again, I can say that when it comes down to it, the movie’s at best okay.

Part of the issue, I think, is that there’s a bit of build-up before anything happens that’s all that exciting. In some ways, this may have been necessary, as we’re given seven characters who are all quite similar, so we need some time to learn a bit about them, but at the same time, it’s still a bit of a drag early on.

One thing I think this movie has going for it is that the plot is quite unique, dealing with soldiers over in Afghanistan who run amok of a Djinn in a remote, isolated farmhouse. The location is quite beautiful and sparse, and seeing soldiers deal with a situation like this isn’t overly common (I always thought military-themed horror was under-utilized, and, as a matter of fact, so are Djinn-themed films). It’s a fun idea, and they do get some things right, but the overall execution isn’t the best.

It did take a little while for any of the performances to stand out. After a bit, though, I was enjoying Callum Blue, Aldis Hodge, and Leonard Roberts. Shane West, despite being the focus, wasn’t really that fleshed out, and while Mercedes Mason (Quarantine 2: Terminal) was a nice change of pace, she also didn’t have that much going for her (which, to be fair, was sort of the point). Though he only gets a few scenes, we also get some J.K. Simmons, who gives a bit of funny dialogue at times.

Brendan Miller played a rather horrible character (he casually suggests gang-raping an Islamic woman seeking shelter from a sandstorm – you know, because she wouldn’t have anyone to tell, and that makes rape okay). Given that sexual abuse of prisoners of war isn’t at all unheard of by the US military (looking at pictures of the abuse and torture prisoners faced in Abu Ghraib prison should make everyone second guess supporting the troops), having a character with a similar mindset, while sickening, is at least accurate.

The special effects mostly show up toward the finale, and they’re not great. I think more than the effects or gore, the film relies on the growing tension around the isolated farmhouse, as some of the soldiers are more and more concerned their staff sergeant may not be in the best mindset. It’s okay as far as the tension goes, but we only know so much about these characters, and while some are decent, it’s hard to really care for any of them (especially given they’re invading another country to begin with).

Red Sands is a film I wish was a bit better. In truth, it’s not a terrible time – it’s below average, but not disastrously so. Even so, it’s a movie with only so much rewatchability, and I suspect many who spend a night with it won’t be going back to it any time soon afterwards, if they even happen to remember it.

6/10