Don’t Answer the Phone! (1980)

Directed by Robert Hammer [Other horror films: N/A]

This isn’t the easiest movie to examine. In some ways, Don’t Answer the Phone! is definitely generic and underwhelming, but it’s also occasionally competent trash, and that has to count for something, whatever that may be.

To preface this review, I have to say that I didn’t watch this under ideal circumstances, and by that, I mean I own it on a 50-movie pack, specifically Mill Creek’s Pure Terror release. The quality isn’t that poor, but I know the film came out on Blu-Ray in 2017, so I can’t say that this copy isn’t possibly missing something.

As it stands, the movie isn’t a violent one, at least not with the print I have – plenty of women get strangled, and to add to the spiciness, many of these women are topless – but it’s not at all gory, and while I couldn’t go as far as to call it dull, I will admit a lot of this feels familiar.

I think that’s one of the bigger problems, if I’m being honest. Films such as City in Panic, Naked Massacre, Murderlust, and even Forced Entry all have similar elements – granted, two of those films came out after this one, but even so, we’re not talking ground-breaking entertainment here. It’s competent for what it does – if you like seeing topless women strangled, I’d recommend you look no further – but it’s definitely not a film that’s all too memorable.

I can personally attest to that, as I’ve seen it previously, and came into this viewing with very little memory of what I’d seen before. As far as I can tell, the most memorable part of the film is Nicholas Worth’s role as the killer. Not that his performance is good; in fact, at times, it’s somewhat laughable. But whether laughable or not, I can’t say that he’s not captivating when on-screen, which has to count for something.

Otherwise, it’s hard to say that others stand out. The two central police officers, played by James Westmoreland and Ben Frank, were both okay, and they had some solid scenes (such as the rather amusing visit to a brothel disguised as a health spa), but not overly relevant. The same is true of Flo Lawrence (Schizoid), who seems important at first, but fades into the background, only to sort of come back into prominence toward the finale.

A few others are worth mentioning, though to be sure, none of the characters they played were important. Chris Wallace (who you might recognize from New Year’s Evil) had an amusing sequence as a psychic. Playing an amusingly sleazy magazine owner was Chuck Mitchell, and there was also a pimp played by Stan Haze who had a moment to shine during the aforementioned brothel sequence.

Really, Don’t Answer the Phone! isn’t without a few strong points. The nudity throughout doesn’t go amiss, and there can be an amusing scene or two. I didn’t care whatsoever about the romantic subplot thrown in, and the finale wasn’t that great, but there are moments when the film almost seems like it’s worth watching.

Even so, I wouldn’t go as far as to call it a good film. It’s not terrible, at least not in my eyes. But it’s also one that I don’t suspect I’ll watch again any time soon, and if it sticks with me better this time around, that’s probably the best the movie can hope to ask for.

6/10