Jersey Shore Shark Attack (2012)

Directed by John Shepphird [Other horror films: Chupacabra Terror (2005)]

Ah yes, here we have another classic Syfy movie. Jersey Shore Shark attack is more palatable than efforts such as 2-Headed Shark Attack, but compared to other films, such as Toxic Shark and Malibu Shark Attack, it’s just not good.

I don’t understand the whole Jersey Shore thing. I know there was a popular show about it back in the day, and I’m guessing these characters are based on people in that show (the only name I know is Snooki, or something like that, and this film has a character named Nooki). I don’t understand society – I don’t know how that show was popular, or how most things that are popular have such an attraction to people.

All of that is to say I’ve never seen any episode of Jersey Shore, and more so, I didn’t even know that most of them were Italians. I’ll say that it did lead to a somewhat interesting conflict between some WASP kids and the local Guidos (I have no idea if that’s an offensive term, but they were cheering it at the end of the film, so I’ll just go with it). The conflict doesn’t really lead anywhere, and it’s not really resolved, but at least it was there.

Naturally, the sharks look terrible, and the other special effects aren’t great. The gore is what you might expect, being missing limbs, someone’s ribs getting gnawed on, that type of stuff. I get it – for a shark movie to have stand out gore, I don’t even know what they’d have to do; I just know that Jersey Shore Shark Attack didn’t do it.

They also didn’t do characters that were remotely interesting. Jeremy Luke (playing TC, or The Complication, because when women see his six pack, things get complicated – rolls eyes fuck me) appeared, Melissa Molinaro appeared, Grant Harvey (But Deliver Us from Evil) appeared, and Gabrielle Christian (who looked occasionally like Amanda Bynes) also appeared, but not a one of them was remotely interesting. 

Oh, we also had former NSYNC member Joey Fatone appear playing himself giving a concert. Luckily for everyone, he got eaten by a shark before he could start singing, and as I can’t stand boy bands, I applauded the shark for that.

I’m not saying Jersey Shore Shark Attack can’t be fun in the right situation and the right audience, but watching it alone and sober just isn’t the way to do it. It’s a movie I had to suffer through once, and though it’s a bit  better than the worst you can see on Syfy (the aforementioned 2-Headed Shark Attack, or something like Shark Week), but it’s not near as worth seeing as their better shark attempts.

4.5/10